


I Need You So Much Closer

by the_deep_magic



Category: Actor RPF, Star Trek RPF
Genre: Angst, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Rape Recovery, Rimming, Shower Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-21
Updated: 2011-10-20
Packaged: 2017-10-24 23:28:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 28,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/269102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_deep_magic/pseuds/the_deep_magic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Something happened.  In Pittsburgh.  Something bad.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For more specific warnings as well as author's notes, please see my LJ master post [here](http://the-deep-magic.livejournal.com/107702.html).

**Part One**

 _The Atlantic was born today, and I’ll tell you how_

The call came as a complete surprise. 

Zach knew Chris was getting back from Pittsburgh some time that week, but he didn’t know when.  Regrettably, they’d grown further apart since the press tour.  Not on purpose – but suddenly they were both A-list celebrities with wildly conflicting schedules, and the constant hanging out had turned into a weekly booze-and-classic-cinema night, which had turned into the occasional lunch, which had turned into sporadic texts and e-mails.  Thus the unexpected nature of the call, compounded by the fact that Chris tended to prefer written communication.

“I’m back in L.A.” Chris had said.  Then, without pausing for Zach’s response: “You free tonight?”

Zach felt his heart leap suddenly in his chest at the thought.  “Um, yeah, I think so.”

“Good.  Okay if I come over?”

“Yeah.”  Something about the thought of Chris at his place again made Zach grin stupidly right where he was, at the sink rinsing out the recyclables.  “Bring booze if you want it – I’m pretty much out.”

“’Kay, see ya.”  Then nothing – Chris had hung up.

It wasn’t like Chris was the type to need documented plans or a formal invitation – in fact, he’d never been shy about inviting himself over once he found out Zach rarely minded, and would say so if he did – but this seemed a bit abrupt even for Chris.  Zach hoped he was okay with pizza or Chinese, because Zach sure as hell wasn’t cooking after a long day on the Heroes set. 

The wait for Chris to drive over seemed to take forever, and Zach found himself glancing repeatedly at the clock as he quickly shoved the clutter on various horizontal surfaces into drawers.  Not that he needed to impress Chris with his tidiness or anything, but still… it had been how long since they’d seen each other?  Zach tried not to analyze the giddiness that rose in his chest at the thought of hanging out with Chris again.

Thus Zach was a little taken aback by the strangely brittle smile on Chris’ face when he showed up at the door.  He’d obviously forgotten the booze, but Zach wasn’t going to draw attention to it. 

“Hi!” Chris said, a little too loudly.  The ensuing one-armed hug was stiff and unusually brief – Chris was generally a full-body hugger and had even been known to nuzzle on occasion, a trait for which Simon never stopped teasing him.  This kind of bro-hug just didn’t feel right coming from Chris.

“Hey,” replied Zach, a little taken aback as Chris breezed past him.  His smile didn’t quite reach his eyes, which looked suspiciously pinched and hollow.  But Chris seemed cheerful enough, already babbling away about Pittsburgh and New York and how weird everyone was on the east coast, so Zach didn’t ask him.  Something about Chris’ behavior put Zach in the mind of a guitar with one of the strings off tune, but he couldn’t put his finger on the problem, and besides, Zach was just happy to see Chris again.  God, he had the greatest smile, even when it wasn’t at full strength.

Chris went right for the drawer full of take out menus like he did this every day – not so long ago, he pretty much had.  “I was thinking that Thai place would be good.” He was practically bouncing on his toes with nervous energy, which would have been adorable if it didn’t have a tinge of mania to it.

Zach took the menu from Chris’ outstretched hand and started to dial the number.  “You alright, man?” he asked a fidgety Chris as the phone rang.

“Yeah!” Chris said with another phony-looking smile.  “Just haven’t kicked your ass at Super Smash Brothers in, like, two months.”

Well, at least his ego didn’t seem to be suffering.  “Please – you haven’t kicked my ass in, like, _ever_.  You just wish you possessed my superior hand-eye coordination, you supercilious dipshit— Oh, no, not you, ma’am, I’m sorry,” he said hastily to the woman at the Thai restaurant who had of course picked that exact moment to answer the phone.  He did his best to order the food as Chris made faces at him from across the kitchen.

&

They played for hours, eventually switching to Wii bowling and then Mario Kart.  Chris didn’t talk much, mostly replying to Zach’s questions with one-word answers, yet he didn’t seem to be able to concentrate on the games, either.  Zach actually managed beat Chris on that god-awful rainbow level – an unprecedented feat – but Chris barely seemed to notice.  Zach started to ask at least half a dozen times, but then stopped himself because none of the questions sounded right.  Both “Why did you call me?” and “Why did you want to come over?” sounded judgmental, and “Is there anything you want to talk about?” seemed ridiculously vague.  But with each hour that Chris stayed, long past a reasonable time for a casual guest, Zach grew more and more convinced that he was there for a reason.

Eventually, Chris could no longer hide his yawns and Zach decided to shut off the game – it was now or never. 

He tried to hide the nervousness in his voice, since he wasn’t used to asking this kind of thing.  “Hey, Chris, do you want to talk?”

Chris’ eyes looked dazed, probably from staring at the screen for so long.  “Yeah, we can talk.  Any particular topic you had in mind?”

“Yeah,” Zach said, wanting to phrase it right.  “You’ve seemed a little… off since you got here.  What’s bothering you?”

“Off?  What do you mean?”

“You’ve hardly been able to sit still, and you haven’t once bothered to taunt me since we started playing.  What’s going on?”  Chris fidgeted, looking like he was fighting with himself, and the niggle of concern in the back of Zach’s mind started to grow.  He could see Chris about to push the subject aside and attempted to stop him.  “And don’t say ‘nothing.’  If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine, but please don’t say ‘nothing.’”  God, Zach sounded like his own mom.

But Chris dropped his eyes and gnawed at his lower lip, suddenly looking like he was about twelve years old.  “Something happened.”

Zach blinked, turning to face Chris on the couch and tucking one leg beneath him.  “Okay.”

“In Pittsburgh.  Something bad.”

Zach suddenly found it a little hard to breathe; he’d never seen Chris like this.  “Do you want to tell me about it?”

Chris rubbed at his eyes with the heels of his hands.  “Fuck.  Never mind, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Look, just spit it out,” Zach said, trying to sound more casual than he felt.   “It can’t be that bad, can it?”

It was the wrong thing to say.  Chris just glared at him.  “Just… something really shitty happened to me, and I’m still not over it.”

Chris’ cheeks were turning red, and not just from rubbing his face.  He wasn’t quite meeting Zach’s eyes, and something about the tinge of shame in Chris’ expression made Zach push where he might normally have let it go.  “Hey, I know we’re supposed to be stoic dudes and all, but talking about it helps.  One time I… well, I’ve had some shitty stuff happen to me, too, and it wasn’t until I started talking about it that I started feeling better.”

It sounded corny in Zach’s own ears, but for some reason, that seemed to get Chris’ attention.  He looked Zach in the eye, and Zach’s throat went dry.  He couldn’t put his finger on it yet, but he suddenly knew it _was_ that bad.

Chris looked away again.  “Just… you can’t tell anyone else, alright?  And don’t interrupt me – I’ve got to get it out all in one go or not at all, y’know?”

Zach nodded and Chris stayed silent for a long time, staring off into space and seemingly gathering courage.  It went on for such a painfully long time that Zach was about to speak, to tell him it was okay if he didn’t want to share, but then Chris started talking again. 

“The night after shooting wrapped, a bunch of us went to a bar, the usual.  I got really, really…” Chris paused to scrub at his eyes.  “Zach, I got so wasted.  I don’t even know _why_ ; I was just so wound up after everything, and the others left, but I stayed.  I ended up talking with this guy.  Yeah, I guess I was kind of flirting a little bit, but he was hot and I’d barely had any human interaction with anyone outside the cast and crew in weeks.  Anyway, I started talking with him, and he seemed nice and everything, but then it was really late and no one else was around, everything got kind of fuzzy, and he was shoving me toward the bathroom.”

“Jesus,” Zach breathed, heart starting to race.  He was terrified that he knew exactly where this was going.

Chris’ hands were clenched into fists.  His whole body tensed and he rocked slightly as he spoke.  “I said _NO_ , I swear I did, but I guess I didn’t say it loud enough or often enough or something.  My whole body felt like it was made of lead – I don’t know if he slipped me something, but he didn’t really have to, that’s how drunk I was.  He got me in the stall and shoved me over the toilet.  I remember everything, Zach.  It’s hazy, but it’s all there.  It _hurt_.”

With that, Chris turned his watery eyes up to look at Zach and Zach felt the bottom drop out of his stomach.  Zach tried to speak, but his mouth was so dry his tongue wouldn’t move.

Chris continued.  “He left me there.  I took a cab back to the hotel and passed out in my room.  The next day I thought it was a nightmare, but it wasn’t.  There was blood, and…”  He trailed off, and Zach didn’t know whether to throw his arms around Chris or punch a hole right through the nearest wall.

“Did you call the police?  See a doctor?”

“No, and no.  I wasn’t hurt that badly, I don’t think, and what was I going to tell the cops?  People saw me flirting with him, I was drunk, and I have no way to prove that I didn’t want it.” 

Zach took a deep breath, his mind racing, trying to control his anger.  He didn’t want Chris to interpret it as directed at him, or what he had or hadn’t done afterwards.  “Chris,” Zach said slowly and calmly, “I can’t tell you what to do, and I’m not sure what the right thing is myself, but if you want to try and press charges—“

Chris’ eyes flashed with rage.  “And how long after I file a police report will it end up on the internet?  Days?  Hours?  I’m lucky no one wandered into the bathroom with a cell phone camera.”

The reality of it sunk in.  Horrible as it was, Chris was probably right.  The context wouldn’t matter – the movie-going public would hear about Chris with his pants down in a bathroom stall with another man, and he’d be damaged goods.  “That motherfucking son of a _bitch_ ,” Zach growled, unable to keep from jumping up off the couch and pacing a few feet.  He grabbed hold of the mantle over the fireplace, knowing anything else might find itself launched across the room.  “Did you get his name?  Because I swear to god, I know people back in Pittsburgh who could tear that little cocksucker to shreds if we found him.”

“Zach.”

“Do you think you could describe him?  Would you recognize him if you saw him again?  What was the name of the bar you were at?”

“ _Zach_.”

When Zach turned back to Chris, it seemed his anger had partially quelled Chris’ own.  “I can’t believe I’m having to say this to _you_ , but calm the fuck down.  I got a first name, but I only vaguely remember what he looked like, and if I saw him again…”

Chris trailed off, his hands shaking, and Zach’s gut immediately flooded with guilt.  He’d let his own temper take over, just like he’d been determined not to.  He couldn’t make this about him, no matter what.  “Oh, fuck, Chris, I’m so sorry.”

“S’alright,” Chris said, suddenly looking exhausted.  “I’ve been through that phase myself.”

Zach rejoined him on the couch, sitting a careful distance from him as though to show he wasn’t a threat.  “That phase… it might come back.  It’s not like you go through one emotion and then you’re finished with it.”

That actually got a weak, thin chuckle out of Chris.  “You’re not fucking kidding.  Let’s see, I’ve been through… shame, rage, guilt, depression, fear, shame, denial, and a little more shame.”

Something suddenly occurred to Zach.  He wasn’t sure it was the right time to ask, but he wanted to know, for Chris’ sake, to determine how lightly he had to tread.  “Chris, please don’t hate me for asking, and it doesn’t really matter, but I’ve never even seen you flirt with a guy.  Did you… Had you ever…?”

“No,” Chris muttered with a sniff and a swipe at his nose.  “I’ve fooled around with guys before, handjobs and blowjobs and stuff, but never… that.”

So Chris was…  At least he wasn’t _completely_ …  Zach forced the thought from his mind; it had nothing to do with this.  All it meant was that Chris had no experience with that particular type of act.

Zach tilted Chris’ face up with a finger beneath his chin; he wanted to make sure that there would be no mistaking what he said next.  “Chris, I don’t think I have to tell you this, but… it shouldn’t hurt.  Not like that.  I believe that you said no and meant it.  What this asshole did to you was wrong and you did nothing to deserve it – do _not_ doubt that.”

“I know,” Chris whispered brokenly, his eyes darting off to the side as the tears finally spilled over.  And Zach couldn’t help himself – he gathered Chris in his arms and pulled him close just as he broke down.

“I’m – sorry,” Chris gasped between sobs, but Zach just held him tighter.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.  _Nothing_.”  Zach pressed his lips to Chris’ hairline and whispered, “You were so brave to tell me.”  He knew exactly how difficult it was for Chris to say the words out loud – this was obviously the first time he’d done so – even with all of Zach’s perseverance.

He held Chris for a long time, helping him breathe through body-wracking sobs until weeping softened into crying, which gave way to small, shuddery gasps as the other man went limp in Zach’s arms.  Zach rubbed Chris’ back, his neck, his arms, keeping up a soothing rhythm as he murmured nonsense words of comfort into Chris’ soft hair.  Chris smelled just as Zach remembered him, and Zach told himself that he was just comforting himself that nothing about Chris had changed.

Zach waited until he was sure the wave had passed.  “I’m the first one you’ve told.” 

Chris nodded against his neck. 

“Why me?  Don’t get me wrong – I’m glad you trust me, and I’m going to help you however I can, but I know you’ve got better friends and a close family.  Why did you come to me?”

Chris stiffened a little in his arms.  “I’m sorry; I guess I’m probably not supposed to know.”

Zach bit his lip, his eyes slamming shut at the sudden wave of emotion.  “How did you find out?”

“You never let anyone else mix your drinks,” Chris said quietly, his cheek still pressed against Zach’s shoulder.  “I thought it was just one of your control freak things, but one time I asked Kristen about it.  She must have been a little tipsy, because she told me… what happened to you in college.  That some guy had slipped something into your drink, and then…”

“And then…” Zach repeated gravely, sighing and bringing a hand to rest against the back of Chris’ neck.  Jesus, it wasn’t something Zach wanted all his friends knowing, but maybe it would make things easier for Chris.  And anything that would make things easier for Chris… well, Zach knew how few of those things there were.  “It’s okay; I’m not mad that you know.  I suppose it’s a good thing Kristen blabbed.  You know you’re not alone.”

“No,” said Chris, holding tighter to Zach.  “Not alone.”

They sat in silence for a while, until Zach heard Chris’ breathing slow and even out, and he remembered the late hour.  “You wanna stay here tonight?  I just got a new comforter for the guest bed.”

He felt Chris chuckle weakly against his neck.  “You know how I love your taste in duvets.”

“C’mon,” Zach said, slowly extricating himself from Chris’ hold and standing, tugging the other man to his feet.  He felt as though he’d do anything to hear that chuckle again, though all he could think of was, “I’ll even unwrap a brand new toothbrush for you.”

“What luxury.”

“I can arrange a complimentary wake-up call if you like, but it involves the cat lying on your face.”

“I’ll set my alarm, thanks,” said Chris, a small, pained smile crossing his face.

&

Zach couldn’t sleep.  He got up to check on his friend a few times, but thankfully Chris seemed to be having no problems in that department.

It tore at him so badly he could barely sit still.  Chris – _his_ Chris; sweet, brilliant, beautiful Chris who would drop everything if a friend needed him – being _brutalized_ like that was too much for Zach to take.  He felt by turns so furious that he nearly bought a plane ticket to Pittsburgh to try to hunt the asshole down, and so utterly weighed down with despair that he could barely move.  Chris didn’t deserve this.  Well, no one deserved it, of course, but especially not Chris.

Why had no one been with him?   His cast mates must have seen how drunk he was getting.  Why had everyone _abandoned_ him at that bar? 

Zach knew how irrational the questions were – Chris was an adult, more than capable of taking care of himself, and just because Zach always made sure Chris had a ride home didn’t mean all his friends were that protective.  Jesus, just the thought of Chris in that bar, flirting more than he probably even realized.  He could be an affectionate drunk at times, and those breathtakingly blue eyes, so open…  There had been a time that Zach had watched that flirting and hoped, and then seen it come to nothing, so Zach had assumed he knew Chris’ preferences.  Had he known that Chris was… but that had nothing to do with the matter at hand.  Nothing at all.

It wasn’t _fair_.  Zach had dealt with his own trauma, and he knew he hadn’t deserved it either, but wasn’t it bad enough that it had happened to him?  Did it have to happen to his friend, too?  Zach had his own kind of faith, believed that there was some kind of greater force watching over the universe, so how could this have happened?   Among other things, it was cosmically pointless; what possible good could come from the suffering of a single kind, caring man?  He had the momentary wish that he could erase that night in Pittsburgh from Chris’ memories like the Haitian from his own damn TV show, because it wasn’t the physical damage that would haunt Chris’ dreams.  It was the degradation, the sense of utter worthlessness that came from being violated, and if Zach could spare Chris that shame, he would do _anything_ , anything at all.

A shooting pain through his temple alerted Zach to the fact that he had been grinding his teeth with rage, but what surprised him even more were the hot tears spilling unnoticed down his cheeks.  He took a few deep breaths and willed himself to calm down.  Chris was going to need him in the days and weeks ahead, and he wouldn’t be of much use in his current state.  He made himself a cup of tea, went back to bed, and was finally able to fall asleep for a few hours.

&

The next morning, Zach woke to Noah's usual morning whining and was only mildly startled to see Chris fully dressed and standing in the kitchen, downing a glass of orange juice.  Zach had a slightly distressing thought.  "You weren't planning on sneaking out on me, were you?"

"’Sneaking’ makes it sound so..."  When Chris looked at Zach straight on, he could see the lingering redness around his friend’s eyes.  Chris' smile faltered.  "I didn't know what to say to you when you got up."

"You could start with 'good morning,'" Zach said, pouring himself a glass of juice and refilling Chris'.  A man couldn’t leave a perfectly good glass full of orange juice, the extra pulp kind.  "Seriously, man, this doesn't change anything.  Between us, I mean."  Chris sagged visibly against the counter in relief, as if those were the words he'd been waiting to hear.  "What did you think I was going to say?"

"I dunno," said Chris, not meeting Zach's eyes.  "I guess I was afraid the once you'd had time to think about it, you'd think I was... disgusting or something."

"Oh my god, _no_ ," Zach said, but he remembered that feeling, like he was irreversibly broken, the trauma visible on his skin.  "I know you feel... damaged.  And you think other people can see it, but they can't."  He put a hand on Chris' shoulder, grateful for the contact between them.  "You look exhausted, but other than that, still the same.  You're still my Chris." As he heard the words leave his mouth, he realized how they might sound and immediately started to backpedal.  "I mean, not ' _my_ Chris' like you belong to me.  Not trying to get all possessive on you..."

At least his babbling got Chris to crack a smile.  "I know what you meant." They both went for their juice, and a more comfortable silence settled over the kitchen.  Zach breathed easier – he didn’t want Chris to think…  Well, he wasn’t quite sure what he didn’t want Chris to think, as long as he didn’t try to sneak guiltily away. 

Finally Chris said, "So what now?"

"Well, that's probably up to you.  If you want my advice... I tried to do it on my own at first – I bought books and stuff, and that helped a little, but what really helped was talking about it with a counselor and a few friends.  Do you think you could do that?"

Chris appeared to think it over.  "I guess so.  But who?"

"Your sister's a psychologist, right?  Could she recommend someone?"

Chris' eyes went wide.  "I don't—" he sputtered.  "I don't know if I want to tell my family yet.  If I tell Katie, I have to tell my mom and dad, and I don't think I'm ready for that yet."

"Okay, let me ask around.  I have a friend who might know."  Chris still looked a little panicked.  "I won't say who it's for.  You asked me not to tell anyone and I won't."

"Thank you," Chris murmured, his eyes starting to tear up again.  "God, I'm such a mess.  What am I gonna do, Zach?  I can't go out like this.  A guy on the plane spilled his little bottle of rum and the smell was everywhere, and I lost it.  Nearly hyperventilated in that tiny-ass excuse for a bathroom."

 _God, that must have been terrifying_ , Zach thought – Chris wasn’t crazy about flying anyway, and to have to go through that alone, yet with so many strangers around…  "Do you have anything so important you can't reschedule?"

"I have to meet with my agent soon, that’s all.  But if I'm not doing anything...  I don't think I really want to be alone with my thoughts, either."

"Well, you've got my phone number.  And I really think you should tell your family."

"What?  _Why_?" Chris gasped, and Zach kicked himself for setting his friend off again.

“They care about you, Chris, and I know you’re close to them.  They’re your built-in support system.  Not to mention the fact that two out of three of them are psychologists.”

“What difference does that make?”

“Well… maybe none.  But they’re your family.  You see them all at least once a month.  Are you really going to be able to sit there at the dinner table next to them and lie when they ask, ‘Chris, what’s wrong?  You look tired.’”

Chris’ breath seemed to be coming in faster again.  “I… can’t.  Not now.”

Zach remembered how hard it had been to tell his brother, even though he knew he needed the support, and Joe had been there for him when he couldn’t bear to break down again in front of his friends.  But neither of them had ever told their mom, so Zach figured he couldn’t really ask it of Chris.  He let it go.  "I'm sorry – right, no family yet."

"It's just that..." Chris swallowed painfully.  "They think I'm straight."

"Doesn't matter _what_ you are, Chris.  It doesn't make what happened any less wrong.  For what it's worth, I think you're underestimating them."  He squeezed Chris' shoulder again.  "But we do this your way.  However you want."

"Thanks."

"And I mean it about my phone number.  Anytime you don't want to be alone, or just want to talk, you call me.  I don't have to be on set much for the next couple of episodes, and my Before the Door stuff is flexible, so any time of the night or day."

Chris shifted uncomfortably.  "I didn't mean you had to be my babysitter."

"Not your babysitter, just... we haven't spent much time together in the past couple of months, right?"

"I'm sorry, I was so busy, and—"

"Hush,” Zach said, mind working it over.  “Just think of it as if we're making up for lost time.  In a really concentrated way.  You get two, three months of phone calls and hanging out packed into the next few weeks, okay?"

"What if I need more than a few weeks?"

"Then we start borrowing off the future.  A couple of years from now, we can completely ignore each other for a few months and call it even."  Chris groaned and Zach was afraid the other man wasn't taking him seriously.  He _wanted_ to spend time with Chris, though he didn’t quite want to analyze all the reasons just yet.  "Look, this takes however long it takes, and you know damn well you'd do the same for me."

"What if I get sick of you?"

"Then I'll start talking in an accent and let one of my 27 other distinct personalities take over for a while."

"You're an idiot."

"Yes, but I'm _your_ idiot.  For as long as you need me."  Zach held his arms out and Chris rolled his eyes, but stepped into his embrace gratefully.  "You’ll get through this," Zach whispered and the other man shivered a little against him.

"I'm scared, Zach," he said, sounding for all the world like a lost little boy.

"I know,” Zach said, resisting the urge to rub Chris’ back.  “But you won't always be.  I promise you that."

They stood in the middle of the kitchen, arms around each other, and Zach shut his eyes and wished that everything would vanish except for Chris, warm and real against his body.  Soon enough, though, Chris' stomach growled.  He chuckled weakly.  "Can we go out for breakfast?  I don't know if you've noticed, but you've got fuck-all in the fridge."

"Hey, I know I’ve got soy milk and that egg-white stuff in a carton."

" _Bacon_ , Zach.  Hash browns.  Banana pancakes."

"Fair enough.  But you're buying."

Chris moved back to lean against the counter, and while his eyes were still puffy, some of the hollowness had left them.  "I think I can manage that."

 **Part Two  
**   
_The clouds above opened up and let it out_

 “Don’t come in with me,” Chris said, staring out the car window at the small office.  The sign read DR. CLAUDIA VALDEZ – COUNSELING SERVICES.  Zach couldn’t see Chris’ face but from the set of his jaw, he knew Chris’ mouth was drawn in a hard line, the way he did when he was trying to push down his own emotions to get ready for a scene.

“You sure?” Zach asked.  “I don’t mind.”

“Are you fucking crazy?” Chris snapped, turning his head and confirming Zach’s suspicions.  “It was risky enough you driving me here.  Someone could see.”

Zach barely kept from rolling his eyes.  “You think I give a shit about that right now?”

“You should,” Chris said, and though his eyes were hard and bright, they didn’t quite meet Zach’s.  “Look, I just… want to do this part by myself, okay?  Just pick me up in an hour.”

“Yeah,” said Zach, torn between reaching out for Chris and letting him go, but the other man had already started to open the car door.  “I’ll be right here when you get out.”

Chris hesitated, then turned around, his tone softened a little.  “Alright, but promise me you won’t just sit in the parking lot playing with your phone.”

Zach made a face but conceded, “I won’t sit in the parking lot playing with my phone.”

And he didn’t.  He went to a nearby coffee shop to play with his phone.  He’d put down a good $2.99 for the Bookworm app and he intended to make good use of it.  He even managed to go for a 13-minute stretch without checking the time.  Brigid had highly recommended Dr. Valdez, though of course Zach hadn’t told her who it was for, or why the person needed a psychologist.  Zach could only hope that this doctor was adept at dealing with ( _god, he could barely think it_ ) rape victims.  His own therapist had been helpful, but it had mostly been his friends and his brother that pulled him through, but he couldn’t help wonder if the process would have been a little easier – and a little faster – if he’d had better professional help.

Zach drummed his fingers on the table, the screen on his phone going dark as he lost himself in thought.  He kept asking himself why it was so important to him that Chris heal from this, and as much as he tried to convince himself he’d do the same for any other friend, well…  Corey and Neal and Brigid, of course, but he’d known them half his life.  But he had to be there for Chris, had to make sure he did everything in his power to get Chris through this, and something in the very deepest part of his brain whispered _you know why_.  It was difficult, but he managed to wait until ten minutes before the hour was up to get up and order another coffee to go.

Once back in the parking lot, Zach closed his eyes and focused on keeping his own anxiety tucked safely away.  Chris had enough shit to deal with on his own without seeing Zach struggle and having to reassure him.  He was so inwardly focused that the rapping on the window made him jump.

Chris climbed into the car silently, a stack of folded papers in his hand.  He looked exhausted, the earlier anger drained out of him.  Zach handed him the coffee, but Chris didn’t say a word as they pulled out of the parking lot.  Zach’s first instinct was to pepper him with questions – how Chris had liked Dr. Valdez, what they had talked about, what she had recommended for him.  It was hard to keep quiet, but Zach managed it.

He made it another two minutes before Chris looked at him and laughed humorlessly.  “You’re dying to know how it went, aren’t you?”

“You don’t have to tell me what you talked about but…” Zach stared intently ahead at the road.   “If you didn’t like her, if it felt too uncomfortable, there are other doctors, other psychologists.  This one was just—”

“I know.”

They lapsed into silence again.  After the emotional tumult of that first night and the next morning, Chris had seemed strangely detached.  If anything, his temper was shortened.  Zach figured it had to be a coping mechanism as Chris readjusted to his normal life, but it still hurt to see his normally vibrant friend so apathetic and testy.  Zach tried to remember how he had been after his assault, but it was all a blur.  There were definitely ups and downs, but trying to zero in on a specific one was like trying to unknot fishing line with numb fingers.

“This tastes like shit,” Chris said softly.

It startled Zach enough that he pressed down a little too hard on the accelerator and they were both jerked back into their seats – if there had been another car in front of them, there would have been problems.  “Excuse me?”

“I said this coffee tastes like shit.”

Zach looked over to see Chris smiling at him.  It was a weak smile, barely more than a quirk of the lips, but it was there.  “So sorry I didn’t have time to drive Colombia and grind the beans,” Zach retorted, his gentle tone at odds with his sarcastic words, “but you’d be bitching about the terrible chauffeur service if I hadn’t been waiting right at the door for you, engines running.”

“Priorities, man,” Chris said, taking another sip of the coffee.

“If you hate it so much, why are you still drinking it?”

“I’d throw it out the window, but that might be construed as an act of bioterrorism.”

Zach groaned loudly, but he relaxed back into his seat for the first time since picking Chris up that morning.

&&&

The phone blared “I’m Too Sexy” into the 3 a.m. stillness – Chris’ ringtone.  Zach answered it and grunted the most coherent “hello” he could manage.

“Zach?” said the voice on the other end, sounding strangely alert, considering the time.  “Can you use bleach right after you’ve used Drano in the sink?  Or is that one of those things like ammonia where if you mix them in a closed environment your lungs collapse, or whatever?”

Zach scrubbed a hand over his eyes, sure he’d misheard.  “Can you… what?”

“Drano and _bleach_ ,” Chris repeated, sounding exasperated.  “I mean, not the undiluted stuff, but the Clorox powder is basically bleach, right?  I Googled it first, but I either got terrifyingly misspelled Yahoo Answers or recipes for homemade meth.”

Zach took three deep breaths, trying to piece it together.  The individual words made sense, but not the whole.  “Is there a reason this can’t wait until morning?”

“I… I guess not,” Chris said, as though the thought had honestly not occurred to him.  “But I wanted to finish with my sink before I started on the tub, because I have to switch sponges and gloves, since the tub is a mess and I don’t want, like, feet germs where I brush my teeth, you know?”

Ah, a cleaning binge.  Zach wouldn’t have necessarily expected it of Chris, but people processed trauma in strange ways.  He suddenly remembered in the days after his attack spending three days recopying and color-coding his history notes.  It was small in the grand scheme of things, but it was something you had the power to control.  Zach sat up in bed, blinking himself the rest of the way to wakefulness and trying to come up with the right thing to say.  In the end, there was only one thing: “Do you need some help?”

Chris laughed, a high-pitched, slightly hysterical sound that made Zach’s stomach clench with dread.  “C’mon, man, it’s like three in the morning.  You don’t have to come over here.  I just needed to ask a question.  Which you _still_ haven’t answered, by the way.”

“It… sounds like you could use some help,” Zach said carefully.

There was a pause, and Zach was worried Chris had taken it the wrong way, or just wanted to be left alone.  But then he said, “Well, if you don’t have an early call tomorrow.  But I’m not asking you to.”

“No, no it’s cool,” Zach said as calmly as he could, swinging his legs over the side of the bed.  “I’ll be there in fifteen.”

&

When Zach pulled up to the driveway, every light in the house was blazing.  He knocked lightly on the front door, wondering if he should just use the spare key under the mat.  But Chris probably didn’t need anyone coming into his house unannounced just now.

Chris answered the door in a pair of boxers and a bleach-stained T-shirt, sweat dripping down his temples and a slightly manic look in his eyes.  Zach had half-expected it, but it was still a jarring sight.  The man in front of him was obviously Chris, but it looked like someone else staring out from behind those blue eyes. 

“Hey, c’mon in,” he said, beckoning Zach in with a bare hand.  The other was encased in a wet yellow glove.  Chris saw Zach noticing and said, “I thought ‘to hell with it’ and just started in on the tub.  But then I didn’t want to get tub germs on the front door, so I took off the other one…”  He trailed off and walked down the hallway, obviously expecting Zach to follow.

In the bathroom, the sink and countertop had already been scoured with something, whether Chris had used the Clorox or not.  The floors were shining and the water in the toilet was blue with cleanser.  A sponge and the other yellow glove lay on the rim of the tub, which was half-covered in suds.  “It, uh…” Zach stammered, somewhere between disturbed and impressed at the compulsive thoroughness on display.  “It looks good.”

“Thanks,” Chris said, beaming wildly.  “I did the kitchen first.  I know the kitchen is supposed to be, like the filthiest room in the house, but I read once that the bacteria in the bathroom are more dangerous.  Besides, better to have kitchen germs in the bathroom than vice versa, right?  Not that it should matter, since I used enough antibacterial shit to kill any unicellular organism within a five-mile radius.”

“Uh-huh,” Zach said slowly, not wanting to bring Chris down too hard, too fast.  “How long have you been at this?”

Chris wiped some of the sweat off his forehead with the back of his bare hand.  “Just the bathroom, or the kitchen, too?  I did a little vacuuming before that.”

“The vacuuming.  When was that?”

“About… midnight?  A little bit after?  I don’t know.”

Oh shit, this wasn’t good.  “Have you slept at all?”

That was it – Chris’ manic smile suddenly faltered.  “I—Yeah, a little.  But then I… I woke up and I kind of didn’t want to go back to sleep for a while.  And the house absolutely went to shit while I was in Pittsburgh, so I figured now’s as good a time as any to get started.”

Zach’s heart broke at that faltering smile, pretty sure he knew why the other man didn’t want to go back to sleep, and he knew what he had to do.  “Chris, can you do something for me?” he asked calmly.  “Can you… Well, definitely not in here, let’s step out into the hallway.  There we go.  Can you take a deep breath for me?”

“Why?  The chemicals?  I tried to be safe – I mean, I didn’t end up mixing the Drano and I’ve had the vent turned on the whole time and—”

“Just… a big deep breath.  I’m going to count to four while you breathe in, then hold it until I get to four again, then release it over a count of four.”  It had worked for Zach.  It still did, when he needed it.

Chris looked at Zach with suspicion, but when Zach started counting, Chris did it.  “Perfect,” Zach said.  “One more time.”

Zach led him through it four more times, and Chris didn’t fight him on a single one.  “Chris, can you be still for just a minute?”

“Sure, I guess.”

“You couldn’t get back to sleep?  That’s what started this?”

Chris was staring at the floor now, but he shook his head.  “Nightmare,” he said, his voice cracking.

Zach had figured that, but still, _shit_.  “They happen.  Do you want to talk about it?”

“I can’t—” Zach could barely even hear Chris’ voice, it was so quiet.  “I don’t think it was a flashback thing.  I don’t even really remember specifics.  I just… I remember the panic.  And I couldn’t move.  I couldn’t scream.  When I woke up, it probably took me five minutes just to remember where I was again.”

Slowly, Zach reached up and put a hand on the other man’s arm, hoping the touch wouldn’t be too much for him right now.  “I’m sorry, Chris.  I’m so sorry.  Those suck, and they feel so real.  Your mind just… overpowers your body, and you do whatever you can to switch that back.  Even if it means starting the house cleaning at an ungodly hour.”

When Chris finally looked up again, his eyes were red and swollen, but the tears had yet to fall.  “When does it get better?”

If he’d _tried_ to rip Zach’s heart out of his chest, he couldn’t have done a better job.“Chris…”

“When does it stop being the first thing you think of in the morning?  The thing that creeps into your head whenever you stop talking?  When do you stop feeling like you’re a pathetic waste of good carbon molecules?  When did _you_ stop having the nightmares?”

Zach moved to lean back against the wall next to Chris; he wasn’t sure he could have this conversation while looking straight into those eyes.  “I can’t give you a time in weeks or months.  All I know is that it felt longer than it probably was.  And it won’t happen all at once.  You’ll go a few hours without thinking about it, then a few more, and then eventually you’ll realize you’ve gone a whole day without thinking about it.”

“A whole day?” Chris repeated miserably.  “I don’t think I’ve made it a whole _hour_.”

Zach struggled to come up with the right metaphor, something to help Chris understand what it had felt like for him.  “Just think of it like… like a piece of jagged glass at the bottom of a river.  If you try to grab it once, and then again 24 hours later, you’ll probably cut yourself both times.  But in time, the silt and the flowing water will make the edges smoother and duller until you can barely feel them at all.”

Chris was quiet for a while.  “Was that supposed to make me feel better?”he asked without spite, or much emotion at all.

“I don’t know.  Maybe.  As far as I know, there aren’t a whole lot of ‘supposed to’s where this is concerned.”

“Fucking excellent,” Chris said, such dejection in his voice that it almost physically pained Zach.  “So what do I do?”

“Well,” Zach said, taking a deep breath and pushing his own hurt aside.  Chris needed short-term goals right now, things he could easily accomplish.  “Right now, here’s what I think we should do: we should finish cleaning the tub.  It looks like you’re almost done anyway.  Then you make use of your freshly-cleaned shower while I find some sheets and a pillow for the couch.  Then we both say a hearty ‘fuck it’ to whatever we have planned in the morning and sleep in.”

“You’re staying?”

“Can I?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Chris said, but his tone was more encouraging than his words.

Chris finished scrubbing the tub quickly and rinsed it out while Zach gave the countertops a final wipe-down that they really didn’t need and flushed the blue water from the toilet.  When Chris began stripping off the rubber gloves, Zach gave him a nod and vacated the bathroom, though he didn’t leave the hallway until he heard the shower running.

With slightly shaking hands, Zach went through the house, gathering together the vacuum and the cleaning supplies he found and switching off the unnecessary lights – which included most of them.  He closed the door to the spare bedroom, which Chris had turned into an office.  When he finished, he went to the linen closet looking for bedding, only to find it crammed with file boxes and books and, if Zach wasn’t mistaken, a few Star Wars figurines mint in their original packaging.  Finally something that made him laugh – _only Chris._

He was just shutting the door when Chris came out of the bathroom, wearing nothing but his boxers, rubbing his head with the towel.  “Uh, s-sorry,” Zach stuttered, completely unprepared for the sight.  He’d seen Chris in various states of undress before – hazards of your face and body being a marketable commodity – but he’d always been prepared before.  “I couldn’t find any blankets or anything.”

“Oh, yeah, they’re on the top shelf of my closet.”  He headed for his room, and Zach followed, willing his blood to cool by purposefully not looking at Chris’ bare, toned back.

Chris got as far as the closet door, then turned.  “Y’know what?  That couch fucking sucks.  Just stay in here.”

“Um, sure.” He could deal with sleeping on the floor for just one night if it meant Chris would feel safer.

Zach was just about to ask again about the blankets – hopefully thick ones that would make the floor less uncomfortable – when Chris just padded over to the bed and said, “I usually sleep on the right side, if that’s cool.  I changed the sheets earlier tonight, so they’re not funky or anything.”

Zach remained frozen for a moment, unsure what to do.  Chris seemed so casual about it, yet there was hesitancy there, too, as though the wrong word from Zach would push them farther away from each other.  So Zach went with his gut – still wearing the t-shirt and pajama pants he’d arrived in, he circled around to the left side of the bed as Chris slid under the covers and clicked off the light. 

Zach laid quietly in the dark for a few moments, listening to Chris breathe.  At first, he’d worried that laying in bed with a half-naked Chris would be too much – Chris was an attractive guy, after all, as Zach had already seen tonight.  But something about Chris’ breathing…  Zach suddenly realized Chris was doing what Zach had told him earlier: breathe in for a four count, hold for four, breathe out four, and hold four.  All it aroused in Zach was sympathy.

“No more nightmares,” Zach said softly, daring to touch Chris again on the arm.  “Not now.  You’re done with that for tonight.”  Then, on impulse, he scooted forward to press against Chris’ back, and felt all the stiffness drain out of his friend’s body.  Emboldened, Zach wrapped his arm lightly around Chris, listening to every breath until they began to slow and deepen and Zach knew Chris had fallen asleep.

&

What woke Zach up was, oddly enough, what he _didn’t_ hear – the dog whining to go out, the cat scratching at the bed post.  It took him a good few seconds to reorient himself, as he had, in fact, been asleep in his own bed before coming over to Chris’ place.  Chris was turned away from him but still sleeping peacefully, and Zach got up as carefully as possible to avoid waking him.

Chris’ coffee selection was, as usual, bizarre in its scope, but Zach made do with some kind of hazelnut-mocha nonsense that didn’t smell too offensive.  As it brewed, he thought back over the events of the early morning.  He could be here for Chris now, but he wouldn’t always be able to drive over in the middle of the night.  More than that, he was sure Chris would be embarrassed to ask him.  Zach wanted to give him some kind of reminder, a mental shortcut to feeling loved and included even when Chris was alone.  Inspiration struck, and Zach took his cup of coffee with him into Chris’ home office.

About two hours later, Zach was watching TV with the volume on low when Chris finally emerged from the bedroom waving a sheet of paper.  “What is this?” he asked.  “I mean, I know what it is, but what is it doing taped to my lamp and my bathroom mirror?”

“And the wall of your closet and your fridge,” said Zach, flipping off the TV and turning to face him.

Chris was holding one of several printouts of a digital photo.  It had been taken inside a karaoke booth – one with garishly pink walls – in Tokyo.  Chris was in the picture, surrounded by most of the main cast, plus JJ and the writers.  It was supposed to have been a serious group picture, but Anton had, as usual, ruined the effect by licking John’s face at the moment the flash went off.  Karl was staring the pair of them with poorly disguised horror, Simon was still singing into his mike, and Zoe, who had been three sheets to the wind at the time, was practically wrapped around Eric, who was making the sort of face a married man makes when he realizes there is no way his wife is going to believe that _none of this was my idea, swear to god, baby_.

It was a terrible photo of all of them – Zach and Chris weren’t even sitting together – but it never failed to make Zach smile, and it seemed to be having a similar effect on Chris.  “Is this supposed to be a reminder of happier times?” Chris asked.

“Well, yeah, but more than that,” Zach replied, walking over to Chris.  “Whenever you’re feeling like you were last night, I want you to look at it.  Every single person in that picture loves the hell out of you, Chris.  All of us, everyone in here, our lives are better because we know you.”

“That’s— You can’t—” Chris began weakly, his eyes darting sharply off to the side.  “You don’t know that.”

“Don’t fight me on this one, Chris,” Zach murmured, drawing him into a light embrace.  “You’re gonna lose.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Part Three**   
_I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere_   
_When the water filled every hole_

“Oh god,” Chris moaned.  “Oh my sweet merciful god.  In Pittsburgh, I thought I’d never get to have this again.  I literally thought I was going to die without it.”

Sighing, Zach shook his head and took a delicate sip to keep from scalding his tongue.  “Intelligentsia is better.”

“Blasphemer,” Chris said, cradling the cup as though it were a newborn kitten.  “You were sent by the devil to tempt me away from this... this ambrosia.”

“I fucking _drove_ you here, asshole,” Zach snorted.

“Thank you,” Chris said resentfully into the lip of his cup as he took what had to be an extremely painful gulp of his drink.

Zach was so concerned about the state of Chris’ tongue that Chris registered the flash before Zach did.  _Fuck it.  Fuck it all_ , Zach thought.  He’d been sure they’d be safe at night, or at least safer.  Apparently not.  “Chris,” Zach murmured under his breath, ducking his head against the collar of his jacket and looking over to see that Chris was doing the same.

But from what he could see of Chris’ face, he was barely holding it together.  Since it was dark, the guy was close, pointing the flash directly in their faces.  Zach had the fleeting hope that he’d take a few shots and leave them alone.  But he obviously wasn’t satisfied with pictures of the tops of their heads. 

“Hey Chris, Zach, you guys out on a late-night date?”

“Fuck off,” Chris mumbled, nearly tripping over a crack in the sidewalk.  Zach instinctively moved to catch him, and Zach’s coffee hit the pavement in the process.

“Aw, that’s a shame,” said the pap.  “But you two make a cute little couple.  Not fucking what’s-her-name anymore, Chris?  She not, uh, _man_ enough for you?”

Zach could feel Chris go rigid next to him and he tried to hiss an _ignore him_ , but it was too late.  There was a small but unfortunately desperate segment of the paparazzi that would say anything they could to get a reaction.  They seemed to have found one, and one in a particularly nasty mood, at that.

“That what you into now?” the pap laughed.  “Fucking your co-star?  Or maybe he’s fucking you.  That what you like?  Taking it up the ass?”

Chris looked up and made a sound that Zach had never heard from another human being in his life – he _roared_ , and the arm holding his coffee reared back.  For one terrible second, Zach was certain that Chris was going to throw the coffee right in the guy’s face, but he aimed for his shoes, instead, missing by centimeters.

The pap didn’t get angry – in fact, he seemed delighted, cackling snapping away as he jumped back from the spatter.  _Click flash.  Click flash_.  Damn it, Chris was giving him just what he wanted.  _Star Trek Star Has Public Meltdown.  Captain Kirk or Major Jerk?_

Zach tried to tug him back.  “Chris,” he muttered under his breath, “we need to turn around and go now.”

But Chris kept advancing on the pap, and when Zach tried to tighten his grip on Chris’ wrist, Chris shook him off with a force Zach hadn’t anticipated, and it nearly made him tumble forward.

“You son of a bitch,” Chris growled, arm still raised.  “You fucking _bottom-feeder_.  What in hell gives you the right—”

“Just doing my job, man.  And you’re making it pretty easy, by the way.”

Chris was nearly in his face now.  “Maybe I ought to make it a little harder.  How much that fancy camera cost you?  Better yet, how long would a broken trigger finger set you back?”

The guy stood his ground, no longer taking pictures but camera still at the ready.  “Go ahead, man.  You so much as touch me and I’ll sue you for assault so fucking fast.”

“Well, then I guess I’d better make it a real assault, then,” Chris said, and a bolt of actual fear shot down Zach’s stomach.  Chris could be many, many things, and Zach had seen him angry plenty of times, but he’d never been afraid of Chris, of what he might do.  But _this_ Chris, whoever or whatever was taking over Chris’ body, was one genuinely scary motherfucker.  Even the photographer, who was obviously a seasoned vet, was showing just the tiniest crinkle of fear at the corner of his eyes.

But Zach was not without his own training in being a scary motherfucker, and he used every bit of it.  “ _Chris_ ,” he said, in a tone that made it impossible for both Chris and the pap to ignore him.  “This asshole isn’t worth it.”

Since Chris had turned to face Zach, the pap didn’t see the way Chris’ expression cracked like breaking glass, rage falling away to expose the fear beneath.  Zach turned the full force of his gaze on the pap as Chris strode, robot-like, back down the sidewalk.  No longer faced with an angry Chris and twenty feet from Zach, the guy had regained his bravado and laughed as he kept snapping pictures.

Zach waited a moment to make sure the guy wasn’t going to follow them – he’d obviously gotten whatever he was after.  He turned and despite his slightly longer legs, had to walk quickly to catch up to Chris, who turned down the first side street he passed.  When Zach joined him, he was standing with his back to the wall, arms around his chest, frozen in place.

“Chris?” Zach said, reaching out for him, wanting only to give comfort.

“Don’t touch me,” Chris snapped, but his voice was strangely emotionless.  After a moment, he looked Zach in the eye.  “I’m sorry.  You were just helping me.  But just… not right now.  Take me home.”

“Okay,” Zach said carefully, replaying the incident in his head, the way he grabbed Chris’ arm, tried to drag him backward.  He cringed internally.  “I’m sorry, too.  I could have handled that better.”

“Just take me home.”

“Yeah, of course.  The car’s over there, though.  You okay to cross the street?”

Chris gave him a strange look.  “I’m not fucking _crippled_ , Zach.  I can cross the fucking street.”

“I just meant—”Zach began, but stopped himself, pushed his frustration down.  “Of course you can.  Hold on, let me check…”  He stuck his head around the corner – no paps in sight, though of course that was no guarantee.

“Zach, just take me _home_.”

“Alright,” Zach said, squashing his impulse to reach for Chris’ hand.  “Let’s go.”

&&&

“How bad was it?” Zach asked, pressing the phone to his shoulder as he unlocked his front door, arms full of grocery bags.

“Bad,” Chris said, his humorless chuckle flattened even more by the bad connection.  “My people talked him out of trying to get a restraining order, but the site can publish the first few pictures of the two of us, before he started talking trash.  And they’re going to mention the coffee throwing, as long as they make it clear that I wasn’t aiming for him.”

“That’s… not so bad,” Zach said, depositing the bags on the kitchen counter and heading to let Noah out of his crate.

“We can’t be seen together,” Chris replied, his voice neutral.  “That comes straight from my agent.”

Despite the nuzzling from Noah, Zach felt his insides freeze.  Chris was _not_ ready to go through the whole day without him.  “What do you say?”

“I say fuck my agent.  I was thinking of firing him anyway.”

Zach kept his sigh of relief silent.  “I wouldn’t go that far.  Not just yet anyway.”

“Why the hell not?  He acted like this whole thing was my fault, everything from provoking the pap to…”

“To?”

“The stuff he said.”

“Who, the pap?”

“Yeah.  I need to be seen in public with Olivia more.  ‘Walk around together with a box of condoms,’ he said.  My agent, he actually said that.  I told him I’d gladly fuck Olivia in a public place if that would help, but I’d probably better ask her permission first.”

Chris laughed harshly at that, but Zach’s mouth just dropped open.  He knew Chris was upset, but this didn’t even _sound_ like him.  Not even when they were joking about Chris’ strange on-again, off-again relationship with Olivia, the one that was currently off, was he that crude.

When Zach didn’t fill the silence, Chris kept talking.  “I don’t know; maybe I should do it.  Prove my fucking masculinity, to myself even.  You know I can’t even go into a public bathroom?”

“Oh, Chris…”

“I went to the bookstore – you know that one down by the cookie place? – thinking, ‘How bad can this be?  Nothing threatening here.’  But then after half an hour, I had to take a piss.  I opened the stall door, and I just… couldn’t go in.  I stood there, Zach.  I just stood in front of the goddamn bathroom door until some asshole shoved around me and went in.  I had to speed to make it home just so I wouldn’t wet my pants.  Now tell me exactly how manly that is.”

Zach was sitting on the floor in front of Noah’s crate by now, alternately petting the dog and pushing his snout out of the way when he tried to go for kisses.  “That’s normal, Chris.”

“ _Normal_?  Are you fucking serious?”

“I meant it’s expected.  It’s understandable.”

“Not to anyone who wasn’t…” Despite the sharpness in his voice, Chris trailed off for a moment.  “…in a public bathroom.  Which is pretty much everyone.  I just wasn’t expecting it to apply to all public bathrooms, including the ones that don’t reek of piss and beer.”

Zach chewed his lower lip.  “I don’t know what to say, Chris.  It happens.  We can start slow if you want.  Try it again while I’m there, see if you can just get into the bathroom, don’t worry about using it.  Or, well… you can plan around it.”

“Yeah, great.  Just… don’t drink anything if I’m ever planning to leave the house.  Perfect.”

Remembering the water bottles that Chris was so fond of carrying around with him, Zach said, “It wouldn’t be forever.  Just right now, through the worst of it.”

“Uh-huh,” Chris said, but Zach wasn’t sure Chris had heard him.  He waited for some kind of oppositional retort, but it didn’t come.

“You want me to come over?  I’ve got some groceries to put away, but I think I can—”

“No, don’t worry about it.”

“It’s not a problem.  I was going to Skype with Victor in about an hour, but I can do it from your place if you—”

“I said no.”

That stopped Zach dead in his tracks.  “Oh.  Okay.  No problem.  Just… call me if you need anything, alright?  I can come over if you want me to.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“Chris…”

But Chris had already hung up the phone.  Zach stared at the “Call Ended” on his screen as he gave up pushing Noah away and let him lick at his face.  Despite Noah’s affection, it was a strangely melancholy moment.  Chris had just cut him off.  Just like that.  _Chris_.

 

 **Part Four**   
_And thousands upon thousands made an ocean  
Making islands where no islands should go_

“Why are you fighting me so hard on this?” Zach demanded.

“Because I feel fine.”

Zach sighed heavily, balling his hand into a fist at his side.  “That insults your intelligence even more than it does mine.”

“You know why.”

He did.  He knew entirely too well.  “You’re scared.”

“Holy shit, we have Sigmund fucking Freud in the house!  I’m not scared, Zachary, I’m _terrified_ ,” Chris shouted.

 “So get it over with.  It’s been over six weeks now – it’s time.”

“I’ll do it eventually, alright?  Just not now.”

“You’re honestly okay with not knowing?”

“A lot fucking happier than I will be if…”  Chris couldn’t even finish the sentence.  Neither could Zach.

They’d been having variations on this argument for days; there was really nothing new to say.  But Zach took a deep breath and tried a different tack, lowering his voice to an approximation of soothing.  “Chris, I have been trying really hard not to push you, to let you do things at your own pace, but this is nonnegotiable, alright?  Look, it’ll be okay.  I’ll go with you.”

“And what, hold my hand?  You know, I’m getting pretty fucking sick of all this mothering.”

“Mothering?” Zach repeated dumbly.

“You never give me a moment to myself!  You’re over here most of the time, and when you’re not, you’re calling me every five minutes to make sure I haven’t stubbed my toe.  I can’t fucking _breathe_ without you asking me if I’m okay.”

“I’m just trying to look out for you.”

“You don’t think I can do that for myself?  You were the one insisting I wasn’t broken!”

Zach groaned, exasperated.  How could Chris not see his own denial?  “You aren’t broken!”

“Well, I fucking might be, right?  That’s what you’re trying to tell me?”

“Look, I’m going to be here for you no matter what happens, no matter what shit you try to say to me.   I’m just trying to give you some support.”

“It’s patronizing, is what it is.  Thank you, wise and all-knowing Zach, but I think I’m going to start making decisions for myself now.”  Chris started to storm towards the door.

“Don’t you run away from this!” Zach yelled, knowing the moment it left his lips that it was precisely the wrong thing to say.  
   
Chris turned on him like a cornered animal.  “I feel like taking a walk,” he growled between gritted teeth.  And slammed the door on his way out.

&

Four days.  He had left Chris’ house while Chris was out for his “walk” and hadn’t talked to him in four days.  Zach was close to tearing his hair out.

Before that, they had been talking every day, and usually seeing each other in person.  For the first day, maybe day and a half, Zach had been so angry that he wouldn’t have even answered the phone if Chris had called.  Which he hadn’t.  Once Zach had calmed down, he started calling and leaving messages.  He spent most of the third day trying to convince himself that Chris needed his space, but now he was seriously considering driving over there just to make sure Chris wasn’t dead in a gutter somewhere.

Zach grabbed his keys off the end table, but then stood there for a few moments, flipping them idly around his finger.  He wanted Chris to know he was serious about this, and if the only way of doing so was by keeping his distance, he would bear it out, so he set his keys back on the table.  Then picked them up again – standing around waiting wasn’t going to convince Chris of anything.  Halfway to the door, he froze.  Was he really being overbearing?  Was it just making an already terrible situation worse?  No, no, he was in the _right_ , damn it.  If Chris would just fucking _listen_ —

He was so deep in his own head that the loud knocking nearly made him jump out of his skin.  He didn’t even bother to look through the peephole, just yanked the door open, pretty damn sure who would be on the other side.  Sure enough, it was Chris, eyes red and sickly like Zach hadn’t seen them since the night Chris had first told him about all this.  Zach nearly went to pieces at the sight.

“It came back negative,” Chris said brokenly, shoving a crumpled piece of paper into Zach’s hand.  “I’m clean.”

“Jesus,” Zach groaned, yanking Chris through the doorway and wrapping his arms tightly around him, though his own knees could barely hold him up.  “Oh my god, Chris, I’m so…  Oh, thank god.”

It was several more seconds before Zach regained the presence of mind to shut the front door, lead Chris into the living room, and sit him down on the couch, whereupon Zach promptly pulled him into his arms again.

“I’m sorry,” Chris sniffled against his shoulder.  “I had blood drawn yesterday and went back to pick up the results today.  I’ll have to have more tests in the next few months, but they said most people show the antibodies after about a month.  You were right; I should’ve done it sooner.”

“Shhh, doesn’t matter now.”  Zach rubbed his friend’s back soothingly.  “I’m so proud of you.  I’m just sorry I wasn’t with you.  Were you by yourself?”

“Yeah,” murmured Chris, so softly that Zach could barely hear him.  He began to tremble.

“God, Chris, I’m so sorry.”

“’s okay.  I just… I kind of wanted to be alone.  In case…”  Chris trailed off, and Zach hugged him even tighter.

 “I’m not mad at you, not at all.  You don’t have to hide from me.  I’m sorry if I made you think that.” 

“Don’t apologize.  I should’ve listened to you.  I was so scared.”

“I know,” Zach whispered, near tears himself.  The anger had been the only thing holding them back.  “I know.”

They sat there for a long time, each unwilling to let go of the other.  Finally Zach had to pull back enough to stretch his stiff neck, and Chris slid back to lean against the cushions.  Zach took that moment to smooth out the crumpled paper still in his hands; it was the test results.  Syphilis, gonorrhea, hep C, HIV – all negative.

“I’m thinking of having it framed,” Chris muttered, the faintest of smiles hovering on his lips.  “Or putting it on the fridge at least.”

“What changed your mind?”

“I went to see Dr. Valdez yesterday morning, and she said—”

Zach chuckled and clapped a hand over his heart in mock indignation.  “Are you telling me you took the word of a qualified psychiatric professional when you wouldn’t even listen to me, your best – and some would say hottest – friend?”

Chris looked down at his hands, not rising to the bait.  “I’ve just been so angry, you know?  And screaming into pillows only goes so far.   I think I just wanted to hurt someone.  You really haven’t been mothering me.”

It was Zach’s turn to squirm a little.  “Yeah, I kind of have.”

The smile finally took hold and Chris said, “Maybe you have.  Just a little bit.”

“Can I buy you some frozen yogurt to make up for it?”

“I don’t know,” Chris said, crinkling his nose.  “Is this really the sort of thing you celebrate with wimpified ice cream?”

Zach smiled and took Chris’ hands.  “Whatever you want, Chris.  Anything.  We’ll fly to Paris for raspberry crème brulee if you want it.”

Chris appeared to be lost in thought for so long that Zach was just about to speak up when Chris said, “Dammit, now all I can think about is frozen yogurt.”

&

It was dark by the time they got back to Zach’s house, but Chris still had to drive home.  “Hey, you want to stay over?” Zach asked.  He’d kept fresh sheets on the guest room bed, just in case.

“Thanks, but not tonight,” Chris said with a small smile, and Zach could tell it was genuine.  “I’ve spent the past couple of days out of my mind with stress – I need to just go home, turn out all the lights, and sleep for fourteen hours.”

“Sounds good,” Zach said, pulling Chris into his arms again.  They fit together so easily now, Zach’s hand around the small of Chris’ back, Chris’ nose pressed to Zach’s neck.  “Call me tomorrow, okay?” Zach whispered, hoping he wasn’t being overbearing again.  “I just… I like to hear from you.”

“Yeah, I will,” Chris said, squeezing once before letting go.  “Bye.”

“Bye.”

Zach shut the door and locked it, then went in search of Noah, who would need to go out soon.  Before Zach could find him, he saw the wrinkled sheet of paper still lying on the couch. 

It hit him as surely as a bat to the back of the knees.  As much as he’d begged Chris to get tested, he’d never really thought… never even let himself consider what could have happened.  What those results might have said.

Zach was crying before his knees hit the floor.

&&&

Most of the drive went by in silence, Chris obviously trying to focus on the road and Zach fixated on the whiteness of Chris' knuckles as his fingers mercilessly gripped the steering wheel.  He had tried to get Chris to relax, but Zach could hardly blame him.  Chris had insisted on Zach accompanying him to his parents’ house, and Zach should have likewise insisted on driving.  This was no idle social call.

After shifting the car into park in the driveway, Chris glanced at Zach a little helplessly.  "I don't know if I can do this."

"You can," Zach said calmly.  "It's time."

"It's just that... they're happy now, y'know?  They think I'm happy.  When I tell them, all that goes away, and they'll worry, and I'll feel bad for making them worry, and—"

"Do you really think they'd rather you keep your mouth shut and suffer?  They love you, Chris.  They'll want to take care of you, to help you in any way they can."

"Oh, god, what if my mom has a heart attack?"

"Chris, your mom could probably outrun both of us in a marathon.  Definitely outrun _you_ , considering your rate of bacon consumption," he added, trying to lighten the mood.

"I know everything's probably going to be fine, but... right now they don't know.  And soon they will, and everything will change."

"Did everything change with me?"

"Well, no, but you're Zach.  Zach the Ineffable."

"Hey, I'm totally effable."  This got a smile out of Chris, and Zach decided to press his advantage.  "Don't torture yourself.  I'll be right there with you the whole time.  Let's go."

With a deep breath, Chris opened the car door and got out, and Zach let out the breath he'd been holding.  Chris preceded him up the driveway, but reached back to squeeze Zach's hand briefly before ringing the doorbell.  Katie greeted him with a bear hug – obviously a Pine family trait.  She went a little easier on Zach, who had only met her once before, but not much.  He got another hug from Chris' mom and a friendly handshake from his dad.  Zach could see into the kitchen, and dinner hadn't been put in the oven yet; Chris had purposefully asked to come over early, confiding in Zach that he didn't think he could play the happy son through the whole meal.  Zach couldn't blame him – one look at Mrs. Pine's face and Zach was ready to blurt out everything.  But he smiled through the pleasantries, taking a moment to think of his own mom.  He made a mental note to call her soon.

It took a few tries, but Chris finally managed to get everyone in the living room at the same time.  "What's going on, sweetie?" asked Mrs. Pine, folding a small stack of towels on the couch.

"Okay," said Chris, taking a few deep breaths and struggling to keep from squirming under his family's collective gaze.  "Okay.  I've rehearsed this a hundred times in my head, but I don't...  Alright, the first thing you need to know is that I'm safe and healthy, remember that, and I've been talking to someone, and Zach's really been helping me out, and—"

" _Chris_ ," said Katie pointedly, an implicit command to stop babbling and get on with it.  Mrs. Pine, sensing Chris' distress, set the towel down and went to sit between her daughter and her husband.

Chris glanced over to Zach for support, and Zach nodded kindly.  With that, Chris launched into the story, and Zach was impressed by how calmly he related it.  Having heard it before, Zach was able to focus on Chris' family.  As he'd predicted, Mrs. Pine sat stoically as her husband clutched her hand and her daughter put an arm around her.  Mr. Pine blanched a bit, and Katie looked ready to punch somebody.  Zach envied that kind of family unity – he had never even considered telling his own mother.  Somewhere along the line, he and Joe had made a silent pact to do anything they could to protect her from more pain.

When Chris had finished, his family asked the same questions Zach had – hospital, police, that sort of thing – then sat for a few moments in uncomfortable silence.

"You mean that fuckwad just gets away with this?" blurted Katie, and Zach had to bite down on an inappropriate, nervous laugh – though he didn't know Katie well, he'd never heard so much as a "hell" out of her before.

"I don't..." Chris paused, gathering his thoughts.  "I don't remember many details, and I don't really want to go looking for him."

"But he _raped_ you!"

"Katie," said Mr. Pine, shooting his daughter a look of warning. 

“No, I’m sorry, but we’re all sitting around talking about this like Chris stubbed his toe.  There is a man out there who drugged and raped my brother, and he’s not going to face _any_ consequences?”

Chris’ face froze, and Zach could see him trying not to squirm.  “Katie, believe me, I’ve thought of that, but I don’t even think I could identify the guy, and even if I could, if the press got wind of the story—”

“Why does the press matter?  I know you think they’re after you, but—“

“I don’t think they’re after me,” Chris said, his face heating.  “But the fact is—”

Zach couldn’t keep from speaking up.  “Katie, Chris is—”

Katie’s gaze swung across the room to fix on Zach, and he was inevitably reminded of Chris stalking down that paparazzo.  He made a mental note not to cross any of the Pines.  “And what the hell is _he_ even doing here?” she snapped.

Chris’ hands balled into fists at his sides, his knuckles turning white.  “Zach is here because he’s my _friend_ and I invited him.”

“So you’ve already told all your friends about this, and we’re finding out just now?”

“Zach is the _only_ one I’ve told, and it’s because…”  Chris stopped himself and glanced at Zach nervously.  Though Zach didn’t mind Chris’ family knowing about his past, this was not the time to tell them.  “Because he was there for me when I came back from Pittsburgh.”

“You didn’t think to maybe call your family?” Katie asked.  “Two-thirds of whom are psychologists?  You didn’t think that maybe we’d be a better—”

“ _Katherine.  Christopher_.”  Mrs. Pine finally spoke up.  “Stop this.”  She turned her sharp gaze to Katie.  “He's been through enough; he doesn't need you to remind him.  And however he chooses to handle it, it’s _his_ choice."

Katie sat in stunned silence for a moment before scrubbing her eyes with trembling hands.  "Sorry.  I'm so sorry, Chris.  Not like I haven't had enough patients that... But it's different when it's family.  Whatever you’re doing, if it’s working…  You said you were talking to someone?" 

Chris nodded.  “Claudia Valdez.” 

"Good,” Katie said.  “I've heard she’s good."

Mrs. Pine spoke up.  "What can we do, honey?  Anything you need from us, just name it."

"Just, um, just knowing that you know, and still love me and all..."

"Of course we do," said Mr. Pine, and his wife and daughter both nodded.

"Maybe you should ask Zach," Chris said.  "He's been taking care of me, and I'm sure he's getting sick of it."

All eyes turned to Zach, and he flushed under the attention.  “Of course I'm not sick of it.  Chris is doing really well and..."  He trailed off, knowing he probably needed to tell a little bit of his own story.  "Look, Chris came to me first because something similar happened to me in college, and I… well, I got through it.  And I can tell you, he's holding up really well.  He knows you all love him, he just needs to be reminded sometimes."

Mrs. Pine nodded.  "Of course."  She got up and went over to embrace Chris.  "I love you so much, sweetie.  Call anytime you need to hear it, day or night."

"I know, Mom," Chris said, holding the small woman tightly.  "And I love you, too."

Mr. Pine and Katie followed suit, Katie giving Chris’ ear a tweak and whispering something Zach couldn’t hear, and Mrs. Pine used that time to hug Zach.  "Thank you for taking care of him, Zachary."

"It's nothing, ma'am.  He's a good friend."

"A good friend, yes," she said in a cryptic tone.  "But it's not nothing.  He's still my little boy, and I'm so thankful you've been there for him."

When Katie finally let go of Chris, he smiled sheepishly.  "Well, I don't know that there's a graceful way to transition out of this, but I _am_ getting hungry."

"Me, too," said Zach, fighting the urge to take Chris' hand and squeeze it with pride.  Chris had done what Zach never could.  Zach thought he might have to talk Katie out of flying to Pittsburgh with a machete in her checked baggage, but other than that, it looked like Chris now had three of the most important people in his life firmly on his side.  When Zach glanced toward the kitchen, Chris was helping his father get dinner ready, and the smile on his face was small but genuine.

&

As if sensing Chris' need for a distraction, his family kept the conversation away from his recent revelation.  Zach even got to hear a few stories about some of the more colorful Pine relatives.  Chris' mother seemed very interested in Zach, his family, and his production company.  But Zach was rarely averse to talking about himself, and Chris looked relieved to be out of the spotlight for a while.  Eventually, after the dessert plates had been all but scraped clean, the conversation wound down.

"Chris, would you like to stay here tonight?" Mrs. Pine asked.  "Zach's welcome to stay, too."

"Thanks, Mom, but I'm alright.  I have a meeting tomorrow morning, and Zach's dog needs to be fed or he might start eating the couch stuffing again."

With another round of hugs, the Pines walked Chris and Zach out to the car.  Mrs. Pine held Zach just a beat longer than he expected, then whispered, "Thank you again.  He needs you more than you know."  With that, she kissed him on the cheek, gave Chris a final squeeze, and let them get in the car.

Again, the drive was quiet, but it was a far less anxious silence than before.  When they got to Chris' place, Zach followed him inside, only partly anticipating his friend’s collapse on the couch.  Zach joined him, letting a hand rest comfortably on the other man's arm.

"How am I so exhausted?" asked Chris, absentmindedly plucking at the hem of his shirt.

"Your body just let go of a lot of tension – it's no wonder you're tired.  You held up really well tonight."

“Mostly I'm just glad I told them.  You can say 'I told you so' if you want."

"I'd love to, but Noah really might try to chew his way out of the crate if I don't get going."  He was barely up off the couch before Chris' arms were around him.

"Thank you," Chris whispered.  "For going with me.  For everything."

Zach opened his mouth to make a wisecrack, but he stopped to consider the warmth of Chris' arms, the way his fingers dug slightly into Zach's skin, almost as if Chris was afraid Zach would try to get away from him.  "You're welcome" was all he said.

 **Part Five**   
_The people were overjoyed; they took to their boats_

When Chris showed up for their Monday night TV movie marathon in his good jeans and a button-down shirt, Zach figured something was up.  “I had no idea you felt the need to dress up for Steven Seagal movie night,” he said, eyebrows raised.

“I know you had your heart set on _Mercenary for Justice_ ,” Chris said, nearly bouncing on his toes with excitement, “but what would you think about going out?”

Zach was taken by surprise.  As far as he could remember, Chris hadn’t said a word about wanting to hang out somewhere other than either of their houses.  But more than that, he hadn’t seen Chris this excited since before…  Well, since before.  And Zach remembered the first time he’d had the courage to get himself cleaned up and go out with friends, how good it had felt, how empowering.  “Did you have a place in mind?”

“My buddy Terry from college just moved down here with his girlfriend and he’s having a housewarming party.”

Zach crooked an eyebrow.  “Straight guys have those?”

“It’s an excuse to have a bunch of people over and drink beer – of course they have those.”

“Beer?” Zach asked lightly.  Lately, Chris hadn’t wanted to even be around alcohol, so perhaps this was progress.

“Yeah,” Chris said, biting his lip.  “I think I’m ready.  I really want to see Terry and there shouldn’t be too many shady characters there.  I mean, I wouldn’t trust them with my stock portfolio or anything, but they should be okay.  Plus, you’ll be there.”

He said it so confidently that Zach’s cheeks grew warm, though he couldn’t resist teasing Chris a bit.  “Oh, really.  And how do you know I’ll go?”

“Because you fucking hate Steven Seagal.”

“I do,” said Zach, lowering his head in defeat.  Chris knew his weaknesses.  “I tolerate him for your sake, but god help me, I hate him so much.”

&

“Okay,” Zach said from the passenger seat.  “Totally mothering question right here.  I know it and I’m sorry.  You may punish me as you see fit.  But did you, uh… did you go before we left?”

Chris laughed so hard he nearly ran through a stoplight.  “Oh my god.  Yes, Mom, I peed before we left the house.  But I don’t think it’s going to be a problem – I know Terry, I know his bathroom won’t be dangerous.  It’s not the same as… the other.”

“I… okay,” Zach said, trying to keep his voice neutral.

“And your punishment shall be… doing the Sylar finger for anyone that asks,” Chris said mischievously.

“Aw, c’mon.”

“Hey, it could be worse.  I could make you do the Spock hand thingy.”

“It’s _called_ the _ta’al_ , and no amount of force is going to make me do it for anyone, no matter how good looking, at this party.”

“So I’m letting you off easy,” Chris said.  “But if anyone asks you to cut out their brain, you have to do it.”

Zach slumped down in his seat with a pout, but really, he didn’t mind the Sylar finger nearly as much as the ta’al, and he had rarely been asked to slice off anyone’s skullcap since the movie came out.

Most of the drive went by quietly, though Zach could read nervousness in Chris’ fingers drumming lightly against the wheel.  “Hey,” he said quietly, “do you think we should have some kind of signal?  If you’re getting really uncomfortable and want to go.  I can make something up to get us out of there, since you’re my ride.”

Chris’ laugh was gentler this time.  “You mean like a Garden State ear tug?  I dunno, I think I can deal with just saying goodbye to Terry and leaving if I have to.  And if not, I can always just whisper to you, ‘Help, get me out of here.’”

He glanced over at Zach, who was trying to keep a vague sense of disappointment off his face.  _He’d_ thought it was a good idea.  Chris grinned.  “Alright, if I need to pull a Natalie Portman, I’ll tap my nose twice.  Is that okay?”

That was completely fucking ridiculous and nigh impossible to do without drawing attention to himself, but Chris was only humoring him at this point, so Zach muttered an “alright” and tried not to sulk.

They had to park around the block, since a number of cars were already lined up in front of the house.  Chris shut off the engine, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath.  He glanced over at Zach.  “Biofeedback breathing stuff,” he explained.  “Do you mind?”

“Go for it,” Zach said.  “I’ll give you a minute.”  He climbed out of the car and started slowly up the sidewalk, staring up at the sky as if he could see any stars anywhere near L.A.  Well, there was one bright something that didn’t seem to be an airplane.  The brightest star, what was it, Sirius?  Or maybe it was Venus.  Zach thought he’d read somewhere that no object in the night sky was more often mistaken for a UFO than the planet Venus.  Well, there was always the Griffith Observatory to go to and find out.

By that time, Chris had finished and was carefully pulling a box with a set of wineglasses out of the backseat.  “Everyone brings wine as a housewarming gift,” he’d told Zach, “but nobody brings extra glasses to put it in.”

Zach had laughed.  “Why did I ever think you were 100% straight?”

Immediately after he’d said it, Zach had worried that it might trigger Chris somehow, but Chris just laughed along with him and said, “More like 80%.  But every now and again, I have to shop for something and that 20% says, ‘Ooh, that would go great with the flatware.’”

Together, they walked up to the front door.  Terry turned out to be a short, red-haired, obviously Irish guy with a charming smile and a stunning girlfriend named Ramona.  They both seemed to appreciate the wine glasses, Terry saying, “Finally, we have something to drink all the other gifts out of!”

Chris and Terry spent a few minutes catching up on the major things while Zach just went ahead and gave into his need to analyze the interior decoration.  It was very tasteful, and he told Ramona so, which led to a conversation about wainscoting that was so stereotypically gay Zach was a little afraid there were sitcom cameras around.

But then the doorbell rang again, and Terry had to go play host all over again.  “Drinks are in the kitchen,” Terry said as he scooted toward the door.  “Help yourself to anything you like.  I don’t know my pinot from my grigio, but Ramona assures me our guests have brought us a good selection of wine.  Oh, but you were always a beer guy, weren’t you?  Plenty of that, too.”

And then they were headed toward the kitchen, Chris leading the way, his back straighter than usual, but otherwise looking fairly casual.  When they got there, a huge guy in an Oakland Raiders t-shirt was leaning over a cooler by the fridge.  He looked up and saw Chris.  “Hey, man, how’s it hanging?”

“Long, low, and to the right, as usual,” Chris said, and before Zach knew it, Chris was being enveloped in an enormous bro hug that left him obviously uncomfortable.  Zach prepared himself for the nose tap, but Chris managed to get the smile back on his face.  The guy had obviously noticed something was up, though.

He leaned back over the cooler and pulled out two bottles, popping the caps off with something on his keychain.  “Have a beer.”

Chris froze.  Even though they’d all seen the bottle being opened and knew nothing had been put into the drink, it was apparently too soon for Chris to drink alcohol again.  Zach had never particularly liked the smell of most beer, but he couldn’t imagine what was going through Chris’ head.

Obviously misinterpreting Chris’ discomfort, the guy immediately went on the defensive.  “What’s the matter with you, man?  Our beer too cheap for you?”

Without stopping to think, Zach grabbed the beer out of the guy’s hand.  “I’ll take that.  He can’t – he’s DD-ing for me tonight.”  With that, Zach took a long swig.

The guy shook his head.  “Your friend’s kind of an asshole,” he muttered to Chris, not bothering to lower his voice very much, then wandered away.

Zach managed to wait a beat after the guy left the kitchen before contorting his face with disgust.  “Holy _shit_ , that might actually be bat piss.”

Chris doubled over with laughter.  When he could speak again, he wheezed, “Oh, god, I can’t believe you just drank Miller Lite for me!  That’s like the Quinto equivalent of taking a bullet to the chest.”

“Try the _groin_.  Do they brew this shit in the sulfur cauldrons of hell, or what?”

Chris rolled his eyes playfully.  “C’mon, we’ll see if they have something imported and suitably pretentious for you.”

“And we’ll get you some unidentified liquid in a red plastic cup so people leave you alone.”  Zach started toward the fridge, but Chris set a hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently. 

“Thank you,” he whispered.

&

Over the course of the evening, Zach met just about everyone – Terry, Ramona, Jeremy, Steve, Ravi, girl Jamie, boy Jamie, Narumi, Daniel, and Non-Pierced Mike, along with a few of their respective significant others.  “I guess Pierced Mike couldn’t make it?” Zach had asked, mostly joking.

But Chris actually answered him.  “Nope.  Last I heard he moved to Bangladesh and is following some yogi around.”

“Of course he is.”

It took Zach a while to really place Chris among these people.  They were a pretty diverse, eccentric group – not the gaggle of English majors Zach had been expecting.  But they all had the air of people who were used to hiding their intelligence under other personas.  Even Steve, the meathead who had tried to force the beer on Chris, eventually ended up in a heated argument with Ravi and Chris over the political instability in the Ukraine.

“Look, I just don’t think you can ignore the fact that the majority of the generation that’s in power right now still have a Soviet Communist mindset” said Chris sharply.  “That doesn’t just go away overnight, or even over two decades.”

“You still get all flushed when something gets you riled up,” Steve said with a laugh.  “That’s our BB.”

Zach couldn’t help but ask.  “BB?”

Chris groaned but Ravi and Steve just laughed.  “We call him Boy Band,” Steve explained, “because he’s just soooooo pretty.”

Chris had his face buried in his hands.  “I hate you all.”

“Tell me more!” Zach said eagerly.

“He had his own little fanclub,” Ravi recounted with glee.  “It was practically a rite of passage – every freshman girl in the theatre program had to fall hopelessly in love with him for at least a year.

“That’s a _lie_ ,” Chris mumbled through his fingers.

“Well, it’s not the whole truth,” Steve admitted.  “Some of the guys fell in love with him, too.”

“You don’t say,” Zach muttered, shaking his head in feigned shock.

“It was a truly terrible time for him,” Ravi agreed.  “Adrift in a sea of pussy and he was all _gentlemanly_ about it.”

Steve laughed.  “He turned down more girls in four years than I’ve dated in my entire life.”

“I had the same girlfriend for three of those years,” Chris said, planting his hands on his hips.  Apparently, he had found his voice again.  “And she was _hot_.  Like, stupid hot, Zach, you don’t even know.”

Both Ravi and Steve rolled their eyes and sighed, “ _Melissa_.”

“So that’s Melissa,” Zach said.  He’d heard the name before, but all he knew was that Chris had dated her for a while in college.  And she had absolutely stomped on his heart in the end.  Zach figured he should probably change the subject.  “So, gentlemen, tell me more about fresh-faced co-ed Chris…”

Time zipped by after that, and Zach got to hear some great stories about what went on in the study carrels in the Berkeley library, as well as an unsuccessful but passionate attempt to stage an all-nude Eugene Ionesco festival.  But after a while, Chris started fidgeting.  It wasn’t obvious, but Zach could tell by the way Chris was picking at his fingernails even more than usual that he was ready to go.  “Well, I think it’s about that time,” Zach said, taking the burden off Chris to be the one to bring it up.

“You’re right,” Chris said, checking his watch.  “Sorry, guys.  It’s been amazing to catch up.”

As Chris was making the rounds to say goodbye, Steve pulled Zach aside.  “Hey, man, sorry about what I said earlier.  You’re a nice guy, and you and Chris seem really good together.”

Zach had definitely not expected that.  “We, uh—”

“Hey, it’s okay.  I’m assuming Chris still isn’t out or I’d have seen it mentioned in some of his interviews.  Actually, he never exactly told me, either, but I had a feeling, especially after that bitch drove a spike through his heart junior year…”  They both heard Chris laugh loudly off to the side and turned to look.  After a moment, Steve turned back.  “Anyway, I’m really glad he’s happy.  All that paparazzi shit’s gotta be tough, and he’s never had the thickest skin, you know?”

Despite the fact that he should probably have been correcting Steve’s misconceptions, Zach found himself nodding.  “I know.”

“Good,” Steve said with a grin, clapping Zach on the arm so hard he nearly fell over.  “It was great to meet you.  We’re trying to convince Terry to throw more of these parties, now that he’s got such sweet digs.  Hope I’ll get to see you again.”

“Yeah, me too,” Zach said, and was surprised to realize that he meant it.


	3. Chapter 3

_  
_

**Part Six**

  


_I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat_

Zach was on the couch, idly leafing through the newspaper when Chris came over.  Zach had given him a key, and more often than not, Chris showed up unannounced, and Zach was completely fine with it.  He was about to make a snide comment about the vague implications of bestiality in that day’s _Marmaduke_ when he saw the elation on Chris’ face.

“Zach, _Zach_ , I didn’t think about it!”

“What?”

“A while ago you said one day I’d go an entire day without thinking about it, remember?  Well, I was in line at LAMILL and I realized I hadn’t thought about it since my shower yesterday morning, and that’s a full day!  More than a full day!”

“Chris, that’s great,” said Zach, popping up from the couch to throw his arms around Chris, who leaned into the embrace, holding tight and burying his smiling face against Zach’s neck.

“This is big, Zach,” Chris whispered, and the movement of lips against his neck made a small shiver run down Zach’s spine.

“I know,” Zach replied, firmly rubbing a hand down Chris’ back.  The embrace was slowly turning from a celebratory hug into something more intimate, and though Zach wasn’t sure it was a good idea, he couldn’t bring himself to break away.  Chris was happy, truly _happy_ for the first time in a long time – Zach could feel the excited energy in the arms wrapped around his waist, and he was loath to let that go.

Chris was the one to pull back first, slowly loosening his hold on Zach, but he didn’t back away.  Instead, he kept his face close to Zach’s, brought a hand up to caress Zach’s cheek, and then – like it was something they did every day – pressed their mouths together.  His lips were so warm and inviting that Zach kissed back without even thinking.  It felt so natural, so easy to respond that it took much longer than it should have for Zach’s brain to register the fact that this was _Chris_ , his friend. 

His friend that he’d been helping through a sexual trauma.

Zach pushed Chris away gently but firmly, stepping back to put space between them and looking pointedly away.  All that came to mind were questions too direct to ask.  Where had this come from?  Was it genuine or some kind of caregiver transference? Was Chris responding to some kind of cues that Zach had (inadvertently) given?  And, most importantly, what the hell were they going to do now?

But when Zach looked up, Chris was still grinning widely, if now blushing all the way down to the collar of his shirt.  “Shit, man,” Chris chuckled, absently rubbing the back of his neck.  “Sorry about that.”

That was not the reaction Zach was expecting – Chris was so… calm.  He went with the first question on his list.  “Where the hell did that come from?”

“I used to— Oh, god this is _so_ not how I wanted to tell you this, but what the hell.  I used to have the biggest crush on you.”  Zach’s mouth must have fallen open, because there was nothing but silence until Chris started fidgeting.  “Wait, you didn’t _know_?  At all?  I thought you at least had some… oh, crap.  Please, say something.  Anything.”

So the sort-of maybe flirting, the talks that went until the early hours of the morning, the casual touches, those were Chris trying to let Zach know?  Zach had thought Chris just particularly affectionate – no wonder Simon had teased him about the hugging.  Zach’s brain went into overdrive trying to catch up to several years’ worth of friendship.  If Chris was bisexual, and Chris used to have a crush on him…

“ _Used_ to?”  It was not at all what Zach intended to focus on, but that was what came out of his mouth.

“Um, still do, I guess.  But if you’re not into me, I totally get that.  I really didn’t mean to spring this on you, but I’m finally feeling happy and you were right there and it felt so good to hug you and holy shit, your mouth is so tempting up close and—”

“Wait, no, it’s not that I’m not— I mean, I want—” Zach stuttered helplessly.  His brain was still frantically processing, but he did know one thing.  “Chris, you don’t owe me anything.”

Chris let out a soft bark of laughter.  “Don’t be an idiot – I owe you so much.  But I didn’t kiss you because I think I’m… indebted to you or something.  I kissed you because I really, _really_ wanted to, I have for a long time, I just didn’t have the balls to do anything about it, and if you don’t stop gnawing on your bottom lip _right now_ I’m going to do it again because it makes your lips all red and wet and puffy and I really ought to breathe before I run out of air.”

Funny, because Zach himself was about to hyperventilate.  If Chris was bisexual, and Chris still _did_ have a crush on him, then maybe, just maybe, it was okay to crush back.  It was like a floodgate opening in Zach’s heart, but he couldn’t just float away on the tide – there was too much at stake to pretend they were both without baggage.

“Chris,” Zach said, speaking slowly because he had to force each word out of his mouth.  “I think this is a bad idea.  You’re vulnerable—”

“Damn right, I’m vulnerable.  I just kissed you and you pushed me away like a leper.”

Zach could have stamped his foot.  It was hard enough for Zach to say it; couldn’t Chris just _listen_?  “You’re _vulnerable_ , Chris, you’ve had to learn how to trust people again, how to trust your own judgment, and I don’t want to take advantage of you.  I could hurt you without even meaning to, and I’d never forgive myself.”

Chris’ eyes softened, and he stepped forward cautiously, ever so slightly invading Zach’s space, and Zach felt his moorings give just a little.  “I’m not asking for sex or a lifetime commitment or even a date – I just want to kiss you.  That’s all.”  He stretched out a hand, letting it rest gently on Zach’s shoulder.  “You’ve been so patient with me, Zach.  You’ve consistently helped me, even when it cost you.  I know you weren’t trying to make me fall in love with you, but I think I have, a little bit, and I’m sorry if that makes you uncomfortable, but _please_ , just let me kiss you.  Just this once.  If it sucks, we never have to do it again.”

And Zach couldn’t refuse those pleading eyes if Chris had just asked him to crack open his own ribcage and pull out his heart, so he let go, let the rushing blood in his veins take him away.  “Okay,” he whispered, shifting closer to Chris.  Zach half-expected it to be awkward now, but Chris’ eyes were practically sparkling and his cheeks were flushed so endearingly and before Zach could give it any more thought, Chris’ lips were on his.

It started slowly, a tentative exploration, soft and chaste.  Chris’ hand rested on the back of Zach’s neck, holding him close as he gently sucked on Zach’s lower lip.  The kiss was teasing, playful in a way that Zach wasn’t expecting, a way that left him completely defenseless.  Zach let his lips part to give Chris better access, and soon the other man’s tongue was pressing in, seeking entry.  With a soft groan, Zach granted it, tilting his head for a better angle.  And then Chris was everywhere, holding Zach captive with strong hands while his tongue plundered Zach’s mouth.  Zach melted into it, drank Chris’ taste and inhaled his scent and finally let himself _want_.  Want Chris, want something more than sitting together on the couch cracking jokes.

It had been terrifying, seeing Chris so broken and then feeling so responsible for his wellbeing that to have Chris content and healthy in his arms, kissing him, was almost too much, too fast.  Almost.  Zach lost himself so easily that only the irritating need to breathe brought him back to himself.  He pulled away from Chris’ mouth, but this time Chris didn’t let Zach out of his embrace and Zach didn’t try to push back.  He rested his forehead against Chris’ and tried to focus on slowing his heartbeat down to a less maddening pace.

“So, um,” Chris began, his voice finally betraying a little nervousness.  “That didn’t suck.  Not on this end, anyway.”

“No, I would…  I would have to agree with your assessment,” Zach mumbled, his body aching for more contact.  Chris smiled, and though Zach tried to fight it, he smiled, too.  Before he was conscious of actually moving, Zach leaned in and then they were kissing again, hands clenching in fabric and bodies melding together.

“ _Oh_ ,” Chris breathed awkwardly against Zach’s lips, and Zach suddenly realized he’d been pressing his growing erection against Chris’ hip.  He froze.  “It’s okay,” Chris said quickly, stepping back at arm’s-length to look Zach in the eye.  “I’m not freaking out.  I just need a little space.”  Zach tried to move away, but Chris planted his hands on Zach’s shoulders.  “Not that much space.”

For lack of anything better to say, Zach muttered “Sorry” and shut his eyes, because when he had them open, all he could see were Chris’ lips, the slight pink burn his stubble had left around Chris’ mouth, and they both had to get this under control.

“So,” Chris said, sounding steadier, and Zach opened his eyes.  “What do we do now?”

“I think that’s up to you.”

“C’mon, Zach, give me a hint, at least.  I told you how I felt.”

“I, um… It’s complicated.”

“No shit.  Let’s start simple – you get a note in math class that says ‘Do you like Chris Pine?’  Do you check yes or no?”

“Who handed me the note?”

“ _Zachary_.”

“Yes.  I check yes, alright?”

“Okay, now we’re getting somewhere.”

“I’m sorry,” Zach sighed, staring at the floor, trying to sort out what he had only recently been able to put into words.  “I’m not being deliberately obtuse.  I like you, alright?  I really like you.  I have for a long time.  It’s just… my universe does not include a scenario in which you return the sentiment, let alone one in which you kiss me.  Like _that_.”

“So adapt.”

“I’m trying!  I just need a few minutes.”

“Okay, let’s sit down.”  Chris steered Zach toward the couch, a little smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

“This amuses you?”

“Yes.  No!  I mean, it’s nice not to be the flustered one for once, you know?  You’ve been my rock this whole time, and I totally appreciate it, but it’s really kind of satisfying to know that I get to you.”

Zach groaned and dropped his head back against the back of the couch.  “Hell, Chris, you’ve gotten to me from day one.  That’s the bitch of the thing.”

“I didn’t know.”  Chris’ voice sounded smaller, contrite. 

“That’s because I didn’t want you to know.”  Zach took a deep breath and sat up with a purpose, looking Chris in the eye.  “But I guess it’s out in the open now.  And there are… obstacles.  But that was an amazing kiss.”

“Yeah?” Chris asked with a shy smile, and Zach nodded.  “So, let’s play hypothetical for a moment.  All things being equal – we’re friends, I like you, you like me, that’s all there is – what do you do?”

In truth, Zach’s answer would have been something like _tear your clothes off immediately_ , but he knew that wasn’t what he wanted to say, hypothetical situation or not.  “Well,” he began, “I think… I ask you out.  See if we can get through a real date without hysterical giggling or stultifying awkwardness.”

“And, hypothetically, if this date should go smoothly?”

“I think a few more dates could be arranged.”

“And if those are a success?”Chris asked, seeming frustrated.

“Then we… talk.  We reassess.”

“Very romantic, Quinto,” Chris said with an eye roll.  “That’s how you seduce a guy?  ‘Reassess me, baby!  Discuss the future of our relationship all night long!’”

“Damn it, Chris, you’re not just some guy!” Zach said, surprising himself with the volume of his voice.  “You’re doing well, and you’re happy today, and that’s great, but you can’t pretend that there’s no baggage here.”  Chris seemed to deflate right before his eyes, and Zach hated himself for it.  He reached out to take Chris’ hand.  “I’m sorry to mention it – I really am.  But it’s still real.  Starting to get past it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.”

“I know that,” Chris said, softly but firmly.  “And you know it just as well.  I’ve been asking myself over and over the same thing you want to know – if I’m ready.  But you know how it is.  There’s not going to be any certainty, any closure.  There’s not an end date I have to reach before I can do this.  It’s just… I can’t pretend I don’t want this anymore.”

Zach vaguely recalled something about how people naturally gravitated towards others at their own level of dysfunction.  “Is that it?  Is it because we both survived the same thing?”

Chris seemed to be concentrating fiercely on Zach’s hand in his.  “I _like_ you, Zach.  I liked you before Pittsburgh, and I like you now.  That hasn’t changed.”

“Same here,” Zach murmured, squeezing Chris’ hand.  “I liked you the moment we met, when you told me my glasses made me look pretentious but you wanted to know where I got them anyway.  I wanted to slap you, then kiss you breathless.”  Chris actually smiled a little at that, and Zach felt his heart lighten.  “I’m freaking out because I kind of spent the last few years convincing myself that we could never be more than friends.  I still want to slap you sometimes, but knowing I can kiss you?  That _devastates_ me, Chris.  The thought of it makes me light-headed.  You’re not someone I can sleep with and just hope things work out.  You mean too much to me.”

Chris finally raised his head.  “Same here.”

“Okay.  That’s good to know.  So what do you want to do about it?”

Chris took a deep breath.  “I want… I want to keep spending as much time with you as I have.  No borrowing time off the future or wondering if I’m going to fall apart without you.  I’m past that – now I just want to be around you because I like being around you.”

“I can handle that.  What else?”

“I want to kiss you.  A lot.” Chris smiled for real just then, a genuine, room-lighting grin.  “By which I refer to both frequency and intensity of desire.”

It took all of Zach’s composure to keep his voice from shaking.  “Is that all?”

“No.  I want to do more than kiss you.  I want to touch you – everywhere – and not think of anything but you when I do it.  I want the same from you.  I want to dream about you, and wake up next to you in the morning so we can do everything I dream about.  I want to learn the quickest way to make you come and everything that makes you scream.  I want—“

Zach couldn’t take it anymore – he silenced Chris with a swift, hard kiss before he could erode Zach’s self-control any further.  “ _Yes_ ,” Zach moaned, pushing back from Chris and putting enough space between them that he couldn’t simply reach out and grab him and give him everything he wanted right then.  Despite Chris’… _amazing_ words, Zach didn’t quite know how Chris felt about sex right now.  He doubted Chris would know either until the moment came.  “I want all of that, too.  But we have to take this slow.”

“Why?” Chris asked, so desperately it was almost a whine.  “You said it yourself, I’m doing well.  And I finally know what I want, and—“

“For _me_ , you tit!  I spend years convincing myself I couldn’t have you and then you throw yourself at me – I’m in a delicate state!  I need to know you’re not going to break my heart.”

“I won’t!”

“And there are things…” Zach began, trying to find the right words.  “Things you won’t know if you’re ready for until you’re there.  And we need to agree that if _either_ of us needs to slow down or even stop, the other will respect that.”

Chris seemed to be genuinely considering this, and after a moment, agreed.  “We can take it slow.”

“So,” Zach said with a calmness he didn’t feel, looking at the man he might finally have a chance with.  The man he finally got to ask, “You free for dinner tomorrow night?”

“Let me check,” said Chris, his eyes never leaving Zach’s.  “Yup, I’m free.”

“Pick you up at seven?”

“Sounds perfect.”

 

 **Part Seven**   
_The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your door…_

 “Admit it.”

“Do I have to?”

“Yup.”

“Fine,” Chris sighed, unwinding the scarf from around his neck as they stepped inside his front hall.  “You are better at the dating thing.”

Zach couldn’t resist pushing it a bit farther as he locked the door behind them.  “How much better?”

“ _So_ much better.  Happy?”

“Oh yes,” Zach said, tugging Chris a little closer by the ends of the scarf that still remained draped over his neck.  He kissed Chris lightly, very lightly, on the lips, letting him go before Chris could push in farther.  It was meant to be a gentle tease, but Chris followed him as he stepped back, staying very much within Zach’s personal space.

“I hate to ask,” Chris said, “but just how many guys have you gotten by taking them to Griffith Observatory after hours and whispering in their ears about the gap in Saturn’s rings?”

“Just one,” Zach said, feigning casualness.  “Well, almost one.  I’m working on one.”

Chris flushed at the implication.  “How… how did you even do that?  Get them to let us in after hours?”

Zach laughed softly.  “Uh, I’m sorry, did you miss the little theater named after Leonard?”

“I thought that was just, like, an honorary thing.”

“An honorary thing after you donate a shitload of money.  One phone call and it’s ‘Yes, Mr. Nimoy.  Whatever you want, Mr. Nimoy.’”

The sparkles of humor in Chris’ eyes made Zach’s heart float up into the back of his throat. 

“You know,” Chris said lightly, “this is our third date.”

“Is it?”

“Yep.  You took me to dinner at the cutest little Italian place I have ever seen in my life.  I took you to the smelliest independent movie theater in southern California to see the most boring movie in the history of time.  And then you drove me up a mountain in the middle of the night to show me the stars.”

Zach could guess where this was headed, and his palms began to sweat.  “That would be three, yes.”

Chris stepped in even closer, until their bodies were nearly touching.  They hadn’t even removed their jackets, but Zach could still feel the heat radiating off of Chris’ body.  “You do know what they say about the third date, don’t you?”

“I’m familiar with the tradition,” Zach said, barely keeping his voice from squeaking.

“So,” Chris said, reaching out to set his hands on Zach’s waist, “I believe custom dictates that one of us must put out.”

“Only one?” Zach teased, moving in until his lips brushed Chris’ as they spoke.  “That seems… manifestly unfair.”

Chris muttered what might have been a “ _Jesus, Zach_ ,” had his lips not already been crushed to Zach’s, moving firmly and deliberately against his mouth.  Zach, for his part, didn’t stumble a bit at Chris’ weight pressed against him, just held on, opening his mouth and letting Chris’ eager tongue slide in.  Chris had proven to be a skilled, enthusiastic kisser with a distinct lack of patience, and Zach almost felt bad at rarely having to initiate anything.  Almost.

Jackets were shed quickly, so quickly Zach didn’t even have time to think.  Chris gripped handfuls of Zach’s shirt, keeping him close as they stumbled through the halls.  _God_ , Chris smelled so good, the crispness of the outside air still clinging lightly to his skin, which warmed quickly under Zach’s touch.

A warning light flashed in Zach’s brain at the speed with which this had escalated, but his body ached for Chris’ touch, delivered so sparingly over the past few weeks at Zach’s own request.  They needed to go slow, to make sure each was ready for the next step… but by god, did Chris _feel_ ready, if the hot bulge at the front of his jeans was any indication.

Chris shifted against the wall and Zach moved with him, an easy, primal dance that ended with their hips neatly aligned, erections rubbing perfectly against each other.  Chris moaned loudly into Zach’s mouth, yanking him even closer by the belt loops and beginning to thrust, giving Zach silent permission to do the same.

They moved together so easily that it sent Zach’s already intensifying arousal shooting to the stars.  He hadn’t been with anyone since… well, he couldn’t even remember, but it had been at least six months, and this was _Chris_ , and he couldn’t slow down to save his own life.  On one particularly hard, shuddering thrust, the head of his cock rubbed against the soft cloth of his boxers beneath the denim and he knew, without words, he was going to come just like this.

Chris seemed to sense the increased intensity, grabbing Zach’s ass hard and rutting against him like an animal.  Zach sobbed for the heat building in his gut, for the way Chris whispered _yes_ and _Zach_ and _fuck_ whenever Zach got the angle just right.  Zach was shooting before he even knew it was hitting him, coming in shivering pulses that made him curl bodily into Chris.  Beautiful, eager Chris who laughed with joy when he felt Zach shudder against him.

Soon, the wet fabric of Zach’s underwear began to chafe, but he gritted his teeth and rocked his hips a few more times, trying to gauge how close Chris was.  But Chris used his grip on Zach’s jeans to slow him to stillness, refocusing on plundering every corner of Zach’s mouth with his tongue.

When Zach got his breath back, he tried to pull away, just a few inches so he could worm a hand between their bodies, but Chris wouldn’t even allow him that much space.  When they both came up for air, Zach gasped, “Chris, let me…” and slid a purposeful hand toward Chris’ crotch.

But Chris stopped him with a hand over his.  “Not, uh,” Chris said, his face going red with more than just arousal.  “Not tonight.”

“But I…” Zach said, his brain still addled with lust and that forceful climax.  “Don’t you want to—”

Chris smiled, and though it was a bashful one, it was genuine.  “That’s, um, okay.  I already got exactly what I wanted.”

“Oh,” Zach said, dumbly.

“For tonight.  I just wanted to feel you.  And see you, though I couldn’t see your face, so we’re going to have to do that again soon.  But mostly _feel_ you.”

“You don’t want me to—”

“Wow, your brain gets a little fried after sex,” Chris said, lifting up on his tiptoes to kiss Zach’s forehead.  “I’m going to have to remember that.”  Then he looked Zach square in the eye.  “I’m satisfied.  For tonight, I got everything I needed.”  He paused.  “Well, almost everything.”

Zach quirked an eyebrow, but by now had figured not to reach for Chris’ crotch again.

“Stay the night?” Chris asked, cheeks going slightly red again.

“Uh, I think I’ll have to,” Zach said, looking down at the small wet patch growing on his jeans.  “Either that or borrow some sweatpants.”

“Why not both?” Chris asked, and when he pressed himself against Zach for another strong but close-mouthed kiss, Zach could feel Chris’ semi-hard softening a little in his pants.  It went against Zach’s every instinct, not to reach for Chris, to stroke him back to hardness and drop to his knees and make Chris moan even louder than before.  But that would have to wait.

Not tonight.

&&&

Zach couldn’t move.

He tried to struggle, but his body wouldn’t respond.  There was something behind him, something evil, and it was coming closer.  Whatever it was, he was helpless before it, his heart pounding and his body dumping useless shots of adrenaline into his veins, only serving to make him panic.  But the unseen thing wasn’t the only presence in the room.  Zach looked in front of him, struggled to make his eyes focus, and it was…

Chris.  It was Chris, staring at Zach with terror in his eyes.  No, staring at whatever was _behind_ Zach, the looming malevolence inching closer.  Zach tried calling out for help, but his vocal cords were as paralyzed as the rest of his body.  _Chris_.  What was Chris doing there?  A wave of nausea surged through Zach when he realized that, whatever was about to happen, _Chris was going to witness it_.

The evil, dark thing was upon him now, so close Zach could feel its weight bearing down on him.  He braced himself for pain, for the kind of pain that lanced through to the core, his muscles locking, and he shut his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see Chris’ face when…

When Zach woke up, he was alone, utterly disoriented in the tangle of sheets.  He hadn’t had a nightmare like that in years, though it was a familiar one.  He’d had it almost nightly in the weeks and months following the assault.  The addition of Chris was new, though.  _Chris_ … 

Zach was reaching for his cell phone and dialing before he even knew he was doing it.

“Zach?” came the sleepy voice on the other end of the line.  “Y’alright?”

“I…”  _I had a nightmare.  You were there.  I just needed to hear your voice_.  “I had a nightmare.”

“Shit,” Chris muttered, suddenly sounding very awake.  “I’m guessing you mean… that kind of nightmare?”

Zach shut his eyes, but when he did, all he could see was Chris’ terrified face.  “Yeah.”

“Oh my god,” Chris said, and Zach could practically see him chewing on his lip with worry.  Chris worrying over Zach – something about that was almost funny.  “Are you okay?  Do you want me to come over there?”

“I’m…”  Zach was about to reassure Chris that he was just fine, but then he took a second to think about it.  If Zach needed him, Chris would be there in a heartbeat.  Zach took a few deep breaths, closed his eyes – no more image of a terrified Chris, just Chris with horrific bedhead and the phone pressed to his ear.  The dream was already fading.  “No, I think I’m alright.  Just… can we talk for a few minutes?  Then I’ll leave you alone, I promise.”

“Hey, none of that.  How many times did I wake you up in the middle of the night?”

Nine.  “I don’t know.”

“You don’t think…” Chris hesitated for a long moment.  “You don’t think this is because of what we did the other night, do you?  Because if it is, I’m _so_ sorry.  I didn’t mean to—”

“No.  No, it’s not.”  But that might not be true – Zach had no way of knowing.  “At least, I don’t think so.  And even if it is, it’s definitely not your fault.  I think it was just… bad timing, is all.”

“Do we need to go slower?”

“Of—” Again, Zach nearly answered without thinking – _of course not_.  But maybe that wasn’t the right answer.  “Maybe… maybe next time we just settle for a good night kiss?  I love kissing you.  I want more than that, but… maybe you’re right.  Maybe this is dredging up some old stuff and I need a little more time.”

“Yeah.  Okay, yeah.”

“But not a lot of time,” Zach said quickly.

“Zach, it’s okay,” Chris said with a soft chuckle.  “Do you remember, like, _everything_ you’ve said to me?  Repeat that to yourself with ‘Zach’ in place of ‘Chris.’”

Zach smiled to himself.  “I still want this,” he said softly.  “I still want _you_.”

“I know.”

“Thanks, Han Solo.”

“Hey, I always thought you’d look cute with the Leia buns.”

“I was always more of a fan of the wrap-around braids, myself.”

“Yeah, you would be.”

“What does that even mean?” Zach asked, laughing.  Then: “Hey, Chris?”

“Yeah.”

“Thanks.” Zach didn’t think he needed to say what for.

“Hey, you literally did the same for me,” Chris said softly.  “And mine involved a lot more bleach.”

“My nose hairs remember it well,” Zach chuckled.  “We still on for the thing tomorrow night?”

“Definitely.”

&&&

Apparently, the quickest way to get Zach dressed and out of his house was to get a phone call from Chris, who said in a rusty, sensual voice, “Get over here, Zach, I’ve got something to show you.”  Because Zach hadn’t even bothered to color-uncoordinate his sweater and t-shirt – they might actually match for all he knew – he just put on enough clothing to be decently warm and jumped in the car.

Despite himself, Zach entertained the slightest of hopes that Chris might show up at the door naked save for a well-placed bow, but what he got was nearly as good: Chris grinning from ear to ear, nearly bouncing on the balls of his feet with excitement.  “I guess I could’ve told you over the phone,” he said, “but I kind of wanted to show you in person.”

“Oh.  So the something is _not_ your dick,” Zach said with faux disappointment.

“Not this particular something.  Although there’s a high probability this particular something might lead to— okay, I’m just gonna shut up and show you now.”

What he handed Zach was a paper nearly identical to the one he had seen several months before, declaring Chris negative for a long list of sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV.

“Read this,” Chris said, pointing to a small paragraph at the bottom of the page.

 _Patient has passed the window period for seroconversion since last unsafe sexual contact and can be considered free of HIV antibodies._

“It’s my six-month test,” Chris said, now actually hopping back and forth slightly.  “They said that something like 97% of people show some kind of sign by three months, but a clean test at six months means I’m free.  For good.”

Zach couldn’t say a word, just swept Chris up in his arms, distantly hoping the sudden, overwhelming touch wasn’t too much for him.  It wasn’t; Chris hugged back fiercely, holding tight to Zach’s waist and pressing his face into Zach’s neck.  “It’s over.  Well, I mean, this part of it, this fear, is over.”

Zach didn’t know what he intended to say but it came out, “I love you, Chris.  I love you so much.  I would have loved you no matter what the test said, but I’m so, so happy right now.”

He could feel Chris’ grin against his neck.  “I’m thinking we should celebrate.”

“Do you want to—”

“ _Not_ frozen yogurt again.”

“I wasn’t going to suggest frozen yogurt,” Zach said haughtily.  “I was going to suggest… skeeball at Dave & Busters.”

“Such a limited imagination,” Chris said, pulling back to look Zach in the eye and shake his head.  “ _Blowjobs_ , Zachary.”

“You’re… you think…”

“I’m ready,” Chris said quietly.  “I’m clean, I’m safe, I’m feeling really good, and I want to do this.  With you.”  He blushed a little.  “If, you know, you feel the same.”

Zach grinned.  There had been no more nightmares.  In fact, there had been a rather pleasant dream involving Chris and a zero-gravity chamber on a space ship.  “I’m good to go.”

Chris’ grin spread until it matched Zach’s.  “Good, because I think you owe me an orgasm.”

Zach knew he was kidding, but went with it.  “Oh, so we’re keeping score now?”

Chris crossed his arms over his chest playfully.  “Well, so far I’m the only one with points on the board, so—”

Zach cut him off with a kiss, gripping Chris’ biceps with firm pressure until Chris uncrossed his arms.  “You want my mouth?” Zach whispered against Chris’ lips.

“More than anything.”

Zach kissed him again, slow and deep.  “Couch okay?”

As soon as the words left Zach’s mouth, Chris was striding toward the living room, tugging Zach along.  “Couch great.  Couch perfect.  Couch make Chris talk like Neanderthal, apparently.”

“Okay, if you can still use words like ‘Neanderthal’ in two minutes, I’m not doing my job.  Remember that.  Or, y’know, try.  If your brain is still functioning.”

Chris jumped to land flat out on the couch, then began stacking cushions behind him to prop himself up before unzipping and lowering his briefs and jeans to his knees.  Zach would have liked to do that, to push his hand into Chris’ pants, slowly draw Chris’ cock out, and feel it grow to hardness in his hand.  But Chris had the control here, and that was just how Zach wanted it.

Chris stroked himself lazily a few times and grinned up at Zach.  “Well?  You gonna make me do all the work here?”

The confidence, the cockiness in that grin, shot straight to Zach’s gut, sending his blood rushing to his dick.  He hadn’t had the opportunity to see Chris in this mood much in the past six months, save for the last few weeks, and he was beginning to feel spoiled by it.  But he couldn’t let Chris off too easily, so he rolled his eyes before taking his time to adjust himself in his pants and straddle Chris’ legs.

The first touch of Zach’s lips to the underside of Chris’ cock was gentle, almost experimental, just to see the sound Chris would make.  It turned out to be one of mingled pleasure and frustration, so Zach kissed Chris’ cock again, harder and wetter this time, and Chris gasped in pure pleasure.  That was it, the sound Zach had been after.  And Zach did have the privilege of feeling Chris grow harder in his hands.

Zach quickly learned that Chris liked a firm hand – or mouth – and plenty of wetness.  He worshipped the head of Chris’ cock with his lips and tongue while his hand pumped steadily at the base.  Chris wriggled beneath him, digging a hand into Zach’s hair that only tugged when there was something that he wanted Zach to keep doing.  Luckily, Zach didn’t mind having his hair tugged.

Straining his eyes upward, Zach glanced up to see Chris watching him with amazed eyes, and it made Zach groan as he took Chris deeper into his mouth, until the tip was nudging the back of his throat.  But Chris didn’t push him any farther, actually pulled Zach’s head up until he was focusing on the crown again, licking and sucking at the sensitive underside.

Soon, Chris’ breath was coming fast and he gasped out, “Getting close.”

Zach pulled off for a second, never letting up with his hand.  “Wanna come in my mouth?”

“Oh my god,” Chris moaned, and then let out a string of _yesyesyes_ when Zach’s mouth descended on him again.  Zach sucked harder, pumped harder until Chris was pulsing against his hand and into his mouth.  He swallowed around Chris’ cock, which made Chris cry out even louder, Zach’s name somewhere in the string of syllables.

Eventually, Zach pulled away, licking the last of Chris’ taste from his lips.  He kept stroking gently, feeling intuitively that Chris would like that, and he certainly seemed to.  Chris kept groaning, “Fuck, Zach, oh my god,” and the hand in Zach’s hair was now petting firmly in gratitude.  “I needed that so badly.  You have no idea.”

 _Who_ doesn’t _need a blow job?_ Zach nearly asked, but a swell of pride in his chest kept him quiet.  It felt so satisfying to give that to Chris, especially after the other night.  Zach had understood why Chris might want to stop then, but it had also frustrated Zach, who just wanted to show Chris exactly how good he could make him feel.  Well, the frustration was no more.

They laid there in that position for several minutes, Zach resting his head against Chris’ stomach while he continued to caress Chris’ cock and Chris got his breath back.  Eventually, though, Chris gently removed Zach’s hand and began to sit up, tucking himself away.  “Okay,” he said.  “Switch.”

Zach sat up to give Chris room.  “You just want me to—”

“Yep,” Chris said, popping up from the couch with more energy than Zach would have guessed Chris had.  “We reverse positions, Zachary, so that I may fellate you.”

Despite Chris’ mocking rhetoric, hearing him say “fellate” was enough to make Zach’s already half-hard cock swell a little in his underwear.  He lay down on the couch, preferring not to sit up so straight, and he was barely in position before Chris was eagerly unzipping him and pulling the waistband of his underwear down below his balls.

Then something occurred to Zach.  “Wait,” he said, reaching to tilt Chris’ chin up to Zach’s face.  “I want your hands.”

Chris rolled his eyes.  “I have done this before, you know.  I’m no virtuoso and I’m a bit out of practice, but I remember pretty damn good.”

“No, it’s not that,” Zach said, feeling his cheeks flushed.  “It’s just… _I_ haven’t been tested since my last partner.”

There was a pause.  “If you say you’re clean, I trust you,” Chris said quietly, and Zach’s heart broke a little at the conviction in that statement.

“I want to wait,” Zach murmured, something he never thought he’d say around Chris.  “Just to make sure.  That’s…”  He didn’t want to phrase it to make it sound like he was trying to mother Chris during sex.  “That’s _my_ responsibility.  I have condoms, if you want.”

Chris wrinkled his nose.  “Ick, the taste of latex.  Handjob?”

“Absolutely,” Zach sighed with relief.  “Love your hands anyway.  Want to feel them on me.”

With a wicked grin, Chris said, “Now this I _have_ had practice at.  Though it’s mostly been one-handed lately, and in the shower.  But at least the guy’s hot.”

“Get down to business,” Zach said, copying Chris’ grin.  “Let’s see how all that solo practice pays off.”

Pretty damn well, as it turned out.  Zach could have used more than spit and precum for lube, but Chris’ hands were good enough that it mattered less than it ordinarily might.  And it was Chris, his face set in concentration as he stroked and tugged at Zach’s cock with surprising dexterity.  He twisted his fingers around the head and rubbed a knuckle along the underside like he already knew that was the fastest way to get Zach off.  Well, that _was_ something Chris had listed among his wants, so Zach let him know, in the most vocal of terms, exactly how good it felt.

Chris was squeezing him with both hands when Zach felt the pleasure rise up in his gut.  “I’m… I’m gonna come,” he stuttered out, and Chris tugged a little harder, pressed in a little more.

And then he leaned in and whispered.  “Fucking do it, Zach.”

And Zach did, coming in hot pulses all over his own shirt, Chris’ hands, probably Chris’ shirt as well.  Chris expertly stroked every last drop from his throbbing cock before gently cleaning it off with the hem of Zach’s own t-shirt and tucking him back in his underwear.  He showed a hand covered with droplets of cum to Zach.  “Ordinarily, I’d be cleaning this up with my tongue.  But I guess I should just wash it off today.”

Zach pulled his wits together just enough to nod, his body missing the warmth and pressure as the other man stood.

Chris looked at his hand again and shook his head.  “Goddamn,” he said.  “I can’t _wait_ to taste you.”

For what was quite possibly the first time in his life, Zach’s eyes rolled back in his head _after_ sex.


	4. Chapter 4

**Part Eight**

  
_I need you so much closer_   


It had somehow gotten to this point remarkably quickly.  Chris had invited Zach in after they returned from the movie, and then they were kissing on the couch, laughing about all of Chris’ various remote controls poking them from between the cushions, and somehow they’d ended up in Chris’ bedroom, both stripped to their underwear.  Despite what they’d already done, they’d never ended up like this before, completely stripped down skin to skin. 

“ _Zach_ ,” Chris moaned as the other man dropped soft kisses down his neck, attempting to pick up the conversation they’d tried to start earlier.  “You know what they say about getting back on the horse?  I want to try it.”

Zach pulled away from Chris for a moment to clear his head.  “Chris, we don’t have to do that.  Not now, not ever if you don’t want to.”

“Your test came back clean – you showed me.”

“It’s not about that.  You know what I mean.”

“Are you telling me you’d be completely comfortable in a relationship where you never… you know.  Or bottomed exclusively?”  Chris’ eyes searched Zach’s face intently.  “Be honest with me.”

“Well, for you… I could get used to it.  And maybe someday we could talk about—”

“That’s kind of a cop-out.  Listen.”  He took Zach’s hand and gripped it tightly.  There was a confidence in his demeanor – not the cockiness or bravado he’d shown before, but something even stronger.  “I’m not asking lightly – I think you know that.  I don’t want to be afraid.  Of being touched that way, of… of being penetrated.  It’s good, right?  Or it can be?”

Zach nodded, tracing his finger over the shell of Chris’ ear.  “Really, really good.”

“So show me how good it can be, hot shot.”

“Okay.  But we can wait, you know.  As long as you want, until you’re ready.”

“I’m ready, Zach.  I really think I am.  I want to know what it’s supposed to feel like with someone you love.”

Zach froze, his finger still tracing Chris’ jaw.  “You love me?”

Chris rolled his eyes like he was just barely refraining from letting out a “duh,” but Zach took a deep breath.  In his heart, he wasn’t sure Chris was entirely ready, but he also knew what it was like to feel damaged, like no one would ever want him again.  Chris needed to know how utterly desirable he was.  “I _do_ love you, Chris.  That’s why I can wait for this, or live without it if I have to.  It’s just one little thing.  But if you can look me in the eye and tell me you’re ready… then I want this, too.”

With a soft chuckle, Chris said, “I think I’ve already done that, but just so there’s no confusion…” Chris flung himself back against the bed.  “Zachary Quinto, I want you to take me in those big, _strong_ arms, lay me down gently in a bed of roses, and make sweet, _rapturous_ love to me until I forget my own name.”

Zach groaned, but he couldn’t keep the stupid grin off his face.  “No need for sarcasm, Christopher.  Except for the forgetting your own name.  That part’s gonna come true.”  He lay on the pillows and tugged Chris down to lay beside him, pressing a quick, soft kiss to his lips and shifting towards him until their bodies were nearly touching.  “Roll your eyes all you want, but I need to say this: we’re going to go slow.  If you’re scared, if something hurts or you need me to stop or slow down, just say the word.  At any time.  I won’t be angry or disappointed, I promise.”

“I know,” Chris said, his eyes wide, almost too large in his face from up close.  “Thank you.”

Zach set a warm hand on Chris’ waist and let him cross the small distance to unite their lips in a kiss.  True to his word, Zach kept the pace slow – as much as for himself as for Chris, enjoying the warmth of his skin, the soft sighs he made when Zach’s hands ghosted over the tender places on his body.  His sides, above and just underneath the waistband of his boxers – he liked that.  The patch of skin behind his ear.  The small of his back.

But Chris’ hands weren’t idle either, and it was becoming increasingly difficult for Zach to concentrate on his own explorations.  Chris found out pretty quickly just how sensitive Zach’s nipples were, tweaking them purposefully as his other hand buried itself in Zach’s hair, tugging gently and massaging his scalp.  He even pushed a knee between Zach’s to let their legs tangle further down on the bed.  _Sensual_ , that was the word for it, Zach thought.  He should have seen it before – Chris’ generous nature, his intensity, no wonder he enjoyed generosity in return.

Zach lost all track of time as he lost himself in the softness of Chris’ mouth, the warmth of his body.  It took Chris tugging at his earlobe with sharp teeth, pressing his clothed erection urgently into Zach’s hip to spur him into action.  He pulled back to look into Chris’ awestruck eyes.  “Do you have what we need?”  In lieu of a reply, Chris quickly rolled to the side to get the lube and a condom from the nightstand.  Zach took them with a quick kiss.  “Feel ready to take off your boxers?”

Nodding, Chris pushed the underwear to his knees and kicked them off as Zach did the same with his briefs.  “There are a couple of ways we can do this,” Zach said.  “It might be a little easier if you were on your hands and knees instead of—”

“No,” Chris interjected, gripping Zach’s wrist with surprising strength.  “I want… I need to be able to see you.”

“Okay, that’s good,” Zach murmured, kissing Chris quickly.  “Perfect.  I want to look at you, too.  Lay on your back for me?”

Chris complied, and Zach sat up to prop a few more pillows under his head.  “You okay to spread your legs a little?”  Chris did, though not wide enough for Zach to sit between them, but for now, that was fine.  Zach stretched out on the bed again to Chris’ left, propping himself up on his elbow to be eye-to-eye with the other man.  “I’m just going to touch you to start.  Just the tips of my fingers, okay?”

“You don’t need to narrate everything,” Chris murmured, looking a little embarrassed, but Zach was firm.

“Yeah, I do.  Non-negotiable.  Besides, you love the sound of my elegant, sexy voice.”

That got a smile out of Chris.  “So do you, apparently.”

“Mmm,” Zach hummed, running a hand slowly down Chris’ chest to wrap loosely around his rapidly swelling cock.  “Now this… this is very good.  So heavy and full.”  Chris squirmed a little, blushing again but obviously enjoying the attention.  “Be back to that in a minute.  For now…” Zach let his hand trail down to cup Chris’ balls, rolling them firmly in his hand and drawing a gasp from Chris.  Zach couldn’t believe he hadn’t thought to do that before.  “Oh, somebody likes to have his balls played with, huh?”

“Yes,” Chris panted, clamping his eyes shut.  Zach grinned and made a mental note of it, giving a last playful squeeze.

“Going a little lower now.”  Zach stroked the spot behind Chris’ sac with gentle fingers, slowly lengthening his strokes until he was nearly touching Chris’ entrance.  “Spread a little for me and hitch up your right leg,” he whispered, and Chris took a deep breath before obeying.  Pressing a soft kiss to the other man’s shoulder, Zach let his middle finger drift even lower to circle Chris’ hole.

Chris gasped and Zach could feel him start to tense, so he said, “Relax, Chris.  It’s okay – I’m right here.  Look at me.” Chris’ eyes sprang open, dilated with lust and a tiny bit of fear.  “God, you’re so beautiful like this,” Zach continued.  “There are a ton of nerve endings here, you know.  Can you feel them?”

“Y-yes,” Chris stammered, and Zach leaned over to kiss his mouth teasingly, drawing Chris’ tongue out to lick at his lips as he gently increased the pressure of his finger, stroking back and forth across Chris’ hole. 

He ended the kiss slowly, whispering “Okay, gonna put some lube on my fingers now” against Chris’ lips.  Unfortunately, Zach had to pull back entirely to slick his fingers, but he pressed closer against Chris’ side to make up for it.  “Gonna touch you in the same place.  It might feel a little cold at first.”

Chris tensed, but quickly relaxed as the lube warmed against his skin.  “Can you spread your legs a little more?” Zach asked, and Chris did.  “Good.  So good.  Now I’m going to press in a little bit, just the tip of one finger, and I want you to tell me how it feels.”  Zach did as he said, not quite penetrating the ring of muscle but parting it.

“I’ve done this to myself,” murmured Chris.  “Two fingers.”

“It’s different when it’s someone else touching you.  Okay, a little more now,” Zach continued, now inserting his finger up to the first joint, until Chris clenched around him.  “Still okay?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Do I need to stop?”Zach asked, trying to read the discomfort on Chris’ face.

“No, just give me a second.”

“Relax as much as you can.  Remember, you’re in charge here.  You control what we do or don’t do.”

“Okay,” Chris breathed, and the pressure around Zach’s finger eased a little.  “Keep going.”  Zach pushed in, his finger nearly buried to the hilt when Chris clamped down around him and gasped “Stop!”

Zach withdrew his hand immediately, rising up and helping to pull Chris to a sitting position.  “Talk to me.  What’s wrong?”

“I just—” Chris huffed, blinking hard.  “I just panicked a little, is all.”

“That’s okay,” Zach whispered, taking Chris into his arms and just holding him.  “I’m glad you said something.”

“Can… can you kiss me?” Chris stammered.

“Of course,” Zach said, his lips already pressed to Chris’.  He parted them gently, letting his tongue caress the inside of the other man’s mouth.  Chris slowly relaxed in Zach’s embrace, pulling him in until there was no space left between their bodies.  Zach eased back to lean his forehead against Chris’.  “Is that enough for tonight?”

“No, I’m okay, I think it was just a momentary thing,” Chris said a little more confidently, pressing two fingers against Zach’s lips when he started to respond.  “And _don’t_ second guess me.  I know you’re just looking out for me, but I told you to stop once.  I can do it again if I need to.”

Kissing the fingers against his lips, Zach nodded.  He knew that a large part of healing involved Chris reclaiming his body, setting his own limits, and he needed to let Chris do just that.  “You okay to lie back down?”

“Yeah,” Chris replied, but as he went to shift down, a thought seemed to freeze him in place.  “Zach, do you want to keep going?  I know this has been about me, but do you even want to—”

“Yes,” Zach said before Chris could even finish the thought.  “I want… Well, I want a lot of things.  But mostly I want to make you feel good.  And if that means stopping right here and sucking you off, or giving you a back rub, or – hell – making you waffles while dressed in a clown suit, then that’s what I’ll do.  I never even thought I’d get to touch you like this, so anything, _anything_ you let me do for you makes me happy.”  As Zach finished speaking, Chris’ eyes darted away.  “What?”

“Nothing, just…” Chris took a deep breath and averted his eyes.  “I don’t think anybody’s ever wanted me so much.”

Zach chuckled humorlessly, his own eyes starting to burn a little.  “Now that _is_ a crime.”

Taking a deep breath, Chris smiled, his eyes now sparkling softly with mischief.  “Okay, sapfest over.  Now stick your fingers in me.”

“You do have a way with words, Pine,” Zach muttered, but he kissed the short stubble on Chris’ chin and scooted back down to his previous position.  Chris had gone mostly soft in his panic, so Zach encircled the other man’s cock with slick fingers.  Chris responded immediately, hardening quickly in Zach’s sure grip.  Again, Zach took a moment to toy with the other man’s balls until Chris’ hips were twitching.  Then he quickly applied more lube before replacing his hand deep between Chris’ legs.  “Good?”

“Yeah,” Chris breathed, and Zach felt him consciously relax.

His other hand grasping Chris’ shoulder from beneath, Zach whispered, “One finger again.”  He met less resistance as he pushed forward, his finger drawn in by the clutching heat of Chris’ body.  Zach stilled his hand and let Chris grow accustomed to the sensation.  When Chris’ breathing grew less erratic, Zach said, “Okay, I’m gonna move now.  Gonna stretch you a little.”

Chris nodded and Zach did as he’d said, slowly pumping his hand.  Without thinking, he grazed Chris’ prostate, causing him to inhale sharply and his hips to shoot up off the bed.  “Sorry,” Zach said quickly, “should’ve warned you—”

“Don’t you dare apologize for that, you bastard,” Chris chuckled, a little breathless.  “Not unless you make up for it by doing it again.”

 _God_ , it was good to hear Chris laugh.  Zach nipped lightly at his shoulder to get his attention.  “Ready for another finger?”

“Yeah, please.”

“So polite,” Zach murmured, pressing his first two fingers together and easing them inside of Chris.  He was still so tight, but he didn’t clamp down again in fear, so Zach started a slow, smooth rhythm with his wrist.  “Deserves a reward.”  He pressed against Chris’ sweet spot, more deliberately this time, and Chris cried out even louder.

“’s good,” Chris gasped.  “So— unnnnh, so good.”

Zach couldn’t keep the smile from stretching his lips.  “Now I’m going to widen my fingers a little bit as I pull out.  It might feel strange at first.”  But Chris took it in stride, his inner muscles gradually relaxing.  “One more finger, okay?  I want you to be nice and open.”  By the time Zach had three fingers in him, Chris was clutching the blanket beneath him and pushing back against Zach’s hand.

“Zach, I’m ready,” Chris said, writhing a little with impatience.

“You sure?”

“Yes, _yes_.  Do it already.”

“Have a little patience; I’m not going anywhere,” Zach said, but he slowly began to withdraw his fingers.  “You’re going to feel empty, but not for long, okay?”

Chris nodded and Zach sat back to roll on the condom and apply more lube as quickly as possible.  With gentle hands, he spread Chris’ legs a little wider and knelt between them, positioning himself just right until the head of his cock pressed against Chris’ entrance.  He started to push in, but felt Chris’ muscles spasm a little.  “It’s okay,” he whispered, taking Chris’ hand and pressing a soft kiss to his palm.  “Let me in, Chris.”

“I… I want to watch,” murmured Chris as he pushed up on his hands, his eyes wide and impossibly blue.  Zach draped Chris’ right leg over his shoulder, hiking the other man’s hips up enough to give him a better view.

“Ready?”

“Yeah.”

Zach pushed forward again, pressing just the head of his cock past the tight ring of muscle.  He could feel Chris starting to tense again and rubbed a reassuring hand over his stomach.  “You’re doing so well.  Relax for me.  Push out.”  Chris did, and Zach slid forward another inch, then two, moving with agonizing slowness.  “Chris.  _Oh_ , Chris,” he babbled mindlessly, forcing his eyes open.

Chris was staring up at him, his pupils blown wide but his jaw tense.  “Talk to me,” Zach whispered, cupping Chris’ face in his palm.  “How do you feel?”

“O-okay.  Full.  Stretched.  A little scared.”

“You feel like heaven, Chris,” Zach murmured, sweat starting to bead on his forehead at the effort of keeping still.  He leaned in to kiss the full lips trembling in front of him.  “And you look so amazing like this, so gorgeous.  I feel like I can see right into you.”

“Keep talking.”  Chris ran shaking hands up Zach’s sides.  “And keep saying my name.  That—that’s good.”

“I’m going to start moving soon.  Don’t hold back, Chris – tell me what feels good, what doesn’t.”

“Touch me, please,” Chris gasped as soon as the words left Zach’s mouth.  “I need your hand on me.”

“Yeah,” Zach murmured, gripping Chris’ slightly wilted erection and bringing it back to hardness with a few rough strokes.  Chris tossed his head back with pleasure and Zach couldn’t stand it anymore – he had to move.  His muscles shook with the effort of keeping his movements slow, but Chris was still so tight around him.  Zach focused on his hand around Chris’ cock, his lips against Chris’ neck.  Slowly, so slowly, Chris relaxed and the movement grew easier, more fluid.

It was more intense than Zach could remember it being in a long time.  Not since he was much, much younger and less experienced had he been so wrapped up in his partner’s every movement, every sigh, that he forgot his own pleasure for minutes on end.  Then the sensations would all come crashing in and he had to slow and grit his teeth to keep from giving in, and in the process his hand would loosen its grip on Chris’ cock until the other man moaned with need and Zach would stroke him hard in apology.  It was stuttered and a little clumsy, full of stops and starts and more perfect than anything on earth had a right to be.

“ _Chris_ ,” Zach moaned, rapidly nearing the end of his control.  “I can’t—  Are you—?”

“Yeah,” Chris breathed against Zach’s lips.  “Yeah, almost there.”

Zach’s toes curled in for the final stretch as he shifted the angle of his thrusts, sped his hand until Chris’ fingers dug painfully into his biceps.  By some miracle, Zach managed to hold off his own orgasm until he saw and felt Chris go over, face drawn tight with ecstasy.  Then Zach let go, let it all go, came with a soft cry and a final thrust into Chris’ tight, clenching body that felt like the ground giving way beneath him. 

When he came to his senses again, Chris was holding him tightly despite the fact that Zach must have been little but dead weight on top of him.  Zach pushed up on his arms, pressing his mouth feverishly against Chris’.  He was loath to separate them, didn’t want to lose the physical connection, but he knew it wouldn’t get any easier.  “This… this might hurt a little,” Zach whispered.

“I know,” Chris said, a hand stroking through Zach’s hair.

Zach pulled out as carefully as he could, but Chris still winced.  “It’s weird, I know,” Zach said quickly, disposing of the condom and tugging Chris back into his arms.  “But it passes.”

Chris nodded, speechless now, his whole body trembling uncontrollably and at that moment Zach would’ve given him the heart from his chest if he thought that would calm him.  He tried to soothe Chris’ shaking frame with soft strokes of his hands and whispered words – foolish, sentimental things he never thought he’d say to another person, though he meant every word – and eventually Chris began to come back from wherever it was he’d gone.

“Sorry,” Chris murmured shakily, as though he had anything to apologize for.  “I’m better now.”

Chris looked up at him, and it was Zach’s turn to lose the ability to speak at the naked trust in Chris’ eyes.

&

When Zach woke up alone in an unfamiliar room, he tensed for a moment until he heard the TV playing quietly in the living room.  It was only then that he realized he was safe in the tangle of sheets on Chris’ bed and Chris hadn’t fled in terror, and he could move again.  Jumping out of bed, he brushed his teeth quickly and emerged from the bedroom to find Chris half-dozing on the couch.

“Hey,” Chris said, waking when Zach sat down beside him.

He couldn’t help scooting closer to Chris, still sleepy and rumpled,  on the couch.  “Everything alright?”

Chris flushed and looked down at his hands.  “Yeah, I’m fine.  Woke up about an hour and half ago and had a little freak out.  I calmed myself down again, but by then you’d sort of spread out across the bed and I didn’t think I could lie back down without waking you, so I came out here.”

Zach frowned lightly and rubbed a hand across Chris’ shoulders.  “Wish you’d woken me.  You didn’t have to freak out on your own.”

“Actually, I kind of think I did.”  Chris took a deep breath and looked Zach in the eye.  “You’ve been amazing, but there are some things I need to deal with on my own.”

Zach tensed and pulled his arm back, suddenly afraid Chris was about to kick him out.  “On your own?”

“Yeah.”  Then Chris seemed to pick up on Zach’s anxiety.  “Oh, no, not—  I mean, not like _life_ or anything.  I’m not saying you need to go.  Please don’t, I really want you to stay.  I just meant that I’m better able to process the small stuff in my head these days.”

Smiling carefully, Zach set his hand over Chris’.  “This isn’t small stuff, though.”

Chris grinned bashfully.  “Well, I think freaking out over whether it would be too presumptuous to run to Intelligentsia and get you coffee and your favorite kind of scone would pretty much qualify as ‘small.’”

“Hardly,” Zach scoffed, tracing his thumb over the ridges of Chris’ knuckles.  “A man’s choice of scone is a very substantial thing.  I mean, if you’d come back with, I don’t know, cranberry carob walnut or some shit like that, we’d have to seriously re-evaluate things.”

Chris laughed and tugged Zach toward him.  “Oh my god, just fucking kiss me already.”

As Zach fell forward, Chris leaned back against the cushions, letting Zach’s weight rest on him as their lips met.  Zach kept it light at first, a soft caress, until Chris began to swipe at Zach’s lips with his tongue.  Zach’s hands rose to cradle Chris’ face and they kissed deeply and lazily for a few long minutes.

Eventually, Zach pulled back with a sigh, resting his forehead against Chris’.  “Seriously though, how are you feeling?”

“Sore,” Chris murmured.  “Haven’t bent that way in a while.  Or, you know, _ever_.  Plus, I had to take a dump this morning, which was… educational.”

Zach chuckled sympathetically, kissing Chris’ forehead.  “Yeah, there’s some stuff they don’t teach you in middle school sex ed.”  Zach shifted his weight forward and Chris squirmed under him. 

“And you – good dreams?”

“The best,” Zach said, kissing a line down the bridge of Chris’ nose.  “Hey, tell you what, let’s take a shower.”

“Together?”

“No, I want you to hose me down in the backyard.  Yes, _together_.”

Chris gently shoved Zach off him and stuck out his tongue.  “Don’t think I won’t.”  But he held up his hand and Zach grabbed it, pulling him to his feet and towards the bathroom.

Zach had seen the shower in the master bathroom before during Chris’ midnight cleaning binge, but in his exhausted state he hadn’t really contemplated how big it was. “Chris, that is a shower that is meant to be shared.”

Chris just laughed, but it turned to a soft moan when the hot water cascaded over his back and Zach felt his blood start to rush.  He palmed himself loosely and stepped into the shower.  Chris started to wash his hair and Zach did the same, thinking himself the bigger man for not drawing attention to Chris’ off-brand shampoo… which actually smelled kind of nice, come to think of it.  Smelled like Chris.

They showered in silence, Zach dropping a kiss onto Chris’ shoulder whenever they switched places under the spray.  It wasn’t until Chris started washing his own back that Zach took the washcloth from him and began stroking slowly over his skin. 

“Mmm, s’good,” Chris said, pushing back into Zach’s touch.

When Zach reached the small of Chris’ back, he held the washcloth under the water until most of the suds were rinsed out.  Then he reached down and gestured for Chris to spread his thighs. 

The other man hesitated.  “Zach?”

“Just gonna clean you up a little.  Okay?”

“Y-yeah,” Chris stammered, widening his feet slightly.

Moving slowly and carefully, Zach let the washcloth dip between Chris’ cheeks, tenderly caressing Chris’ sore, swollen entrance.  Chris gasped and stiffened but stayed still as Zach cleaned him.  When Zach finished, he maneuvered Chris around until they were facing each other with Chris’ back to the spray.  Zach reached around his waist to put his hands on Chris’ ass and gently spread him, letting the warm water run down the groove of Chris’ spine and over his hole.  Chris groaned and swayed forward into Zach’s arms, resting his head against Zach’s shoulder and spreading his legs even more.

The profound vulnerability of Chris’ position wasn’t lost on Zach.  “Feel good?” he whispered, and Chris’ shaky moan made Zach’s cock harden further.  Chris wasn’t immune to it either, his erection pressing against Zach’s hip.  Suddenly, inspiration hit.  He eased Chris back on his own feet until the other man could stand without leaning on Zach and looked him in the eye.  “Trust me?”

Chris eyed him a little warily.  “Yes.”

“Don’t worry, this is a good thing.”  He carefully maneuvered them until Chris was facing the wall of the shower.  He glanced over his shoulder and Zach’s heart cracked a little at the look of concern on his face.  Zach fit a hand to Chris’ cheek and kissed him as softly and sweetly as he could. 

“Chris,” he whispered.  “Your body…”  He trailed off, letting his fingers run the length of Chris’ back.  “Never dreamed I’d get to touch you like this.  And, oh my god, you look even better wet.”

Chris laughed a little at that, some of the tension easing out of his frame.  “Yeah?”

“Mmm,” Zach said, rubbing his mouth against the beads of moisture on Chris’ neck.  “All slick and shiny and clean.  Makes me want to touch.”  He slid his hands to rest firmly on Chris’ hips.  “And taste.”  He began to trail slow, open-mouthed kisses down Chris’ spine until Zach was on his knees in the tub.  He stroked his thumbs down Chris’ ass cheeks, spreading them a little with each stroke.

Zach felt the moment Chris understood where this was headed, because his legs started to tremble, but he stayed quiet.  “Hey Chris,” Zach said softly, thinking of how to phrase it so as not to freak Chris out.  “I want to put my mouth on you.  Right here.  Is that alright?”

“You want to?”

“Yeah, I do.  You’re a little sore, right?  Well… for me, it feels really good when I’m a little raw down there.”

Chris looked down at him, his face red, but he was suppressing a smile.  “We’re all adults here.  You don’t have to refer to it as ‘down there.’”

Zach rolled his eyes, but was glad Chris seemed to be open to the idea.  “Fine then, would you be positively inclined toward application of my tongue to your anus?”

Wrinkling his nose, Chris shifted his weight from foot to foot.  “Not disinclined.  Just, I’ve never…”

“If it’s too weird, just say the word and I’ll stop.  But I think you might like it.”

“Do you like it?  Giving it, I mean?”

Zach’s knees protested a little against the tile floor, but he said, “I really, really do.  Especially to newbies.”

Chris snorted with indignation, but spread his legs a little wider, and Zach took that as an invitation.  He also took his time, kissing wetly over Chris’ tailbone, massaging his butt cheeks firmly but gently, nuzzling before going in for the kill.  “Good?” he asked, purposefully letting his voice resonate over Chris’ delicate skin.

“Keep _going_.”

“Affirmative, Captain,” Zach said, unable to keep from grinning, which he eventually had to stop in order to be able to place a hot, open-mouthed kiss right over Chris’ hole.  He thought he heard a strangled noise from up above, but it definitely wasn’t a “stop,” so he opened his mouth and let his tongue slowly trace the rim of Chris’ hole, not light enough to tease but not firmly enough to hurt.

This time, Chris spread his legs much wider, and Zach was able to open him a little better with his thumbs, coax that tight ring of muscle into relaxing as he swirled his tongue softly around it.  Chris must have had his face buried against his arm, because the sounds he was making were muffled and indistinct, but they were unmistakably sounds of slightly embarrassed pleasure.  Exactly what Zach was listening for.

Caught between the desire to tease Chris with his words or his tongue, Zach decided on the latter, licking firmly up over Chris’ hole and back down to his taint, sucking at the delicate skin there.  This time, he felt Chris’ weight shift, and when Zach looked up, he could see that Chris had slid one hand between his body and the tile wall so he could fist his own cock in what looked to be a slow, tight grip.  Again, Zach fought a smile to continue his oral ministrations.

When Chris’ hips began pushing back into Zach’s face, silently begging for more, Zach let the point of his tongue spear into Chris’ hole for the first time, and it made Chris jerk so hard he almost lost his footing.  “Fuck,” he groaned.  “Do that again.”

“Promise you won’t fall over on me and I will.”

Chris cursed softly, but found a firmer stance and leaned more of his weight on the wall, which happily gave a better angle for Zach’s neck when he once again spread Chris open.  This time, he didn’t tease, just thrust in with his tongue in slow, twisting strokes as deep as he could.  The noises Chris was making above him sounded almost like sobs, but Zach was also aware of Chris’ right hand speeding up.

It didn’t take long after that before Zach stabbed his tongue in particularly deep and Chris’ whole body went rigid.  Zach closed his eyes and imagined Chris’ spunk spattering against the tiles in thick pulses along with the cadence of his moans. 

With a few final, gentle licks, Zach turned his attention to his own arousal, which needed little encouragement until he was hard and thick in his own hand.  Chris hadn’t moved, still trying to get his breath back, so Zach buried his face against Chris’ ass and stroked himself hard and fast, needing nothing but fast release.

From above him, he heard, “Zach, are you… Fuck, _yeah_.”  He looked up to see Chris’ neck craned around to watch Zach on his knees behind him.  One glance into the lusty satisfaction in those blue eyes and Zach was gone, shooting over his hand and groaning his pleasure into the fullness of Chris’ ass.

Chris gave him little time to recover, pulling him up quickly.  Zach wasn’t sure Chris would want to kiss him after that, but in fact his intentions seemed to lie elsewhere.  He took Zach’s left hand in both of his and methodically, thoroughly licked it clean. 

He grinned, pressing a kiss to Zach’s palm.  “Told you I couldn’t wait to taste you.”

 

 **Epilogue**   
_So come on, come on..._

Zach sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the packed suitcase sitting on the floor.  “I don’t have to go.”

From his cross-legged perch next to him, Chris elbowed him.  “Of course you do.”

“I don’t.  I can still turn them down.”

“You’d be fucking crazy, and anyway, I won’t let you do it.”

Zach bit his lip to keep from saying what he was thinking.  _But I’ll miss you like I’d miss a limb.  You need me.  More than that, I need_ you.  “They might extend the run.  It’s in my contract.  Maybe even through January.”

“If they extend the run, it’ll be because you are critically acclaimed and wildly popular.”

“Do you think I give a shit about that?”

Chris grinned.  “Yes, I think you do.”

“Okay, I do,” Zach groaned.  “I wish I didn’t.”

“It’s not _Beach Blanket Bingo_ , Zach,” Chris said firmly, rubbing a soothing hand up and down Zach’s arm.  “This is an important play.  It was when it was written, and it is now.  You are going to fucking _own_ Louis, and people are going to leave the theater changed forever.”

“Too much,” Zach said, shaking his head.

“Okay,” Chris admitted, “I may have gone a little overboard there at the end, but I mean it.  You need to do this.  For both of us.”

Zach felt the dam in his heart start to crack as he actually began to consider it, not just as an abstraction, but as a reality.  “I’d only be away a year.  And before the run starts, I can fly back sometimes.”

“And I can come and visit you this summer,” Chris said, scooting over and tucking his chin over Zach’s shoulder from behind.  Zach reached up and pulled Chris’ arms to wrap around his waist, just wanting to feel surrounded by his boyfriend.  His boyfriend he was about to leave 3,000 miles behind.  For nothing but a play.

“I’ll miss you so much,” Chris whispered in Zach’s ear, making it sound almost like a positive thing.  “You’re my good heart.”

Zach’s eyebrows shot up.  “You’ve read it?”

“Well, don’t act all surprised or anything.  It only won the fucking Pulitzer and I majored in English.”

“I just meant…” Zach trailed off, because he didn’t know what he meant.  He only knew that half his heart was already in New York, while the other half was right there in the bedroom, still holding him close.  “It’s not a happy scene.  Joe begs her not to leave, but he ends up alone anyway.”

“Come here,” Chris said, pulling Zach back until they were both lying on the bed, feet dangling off.  Chris scooted in until they were nose to nose, and all Zach could see of Chris’ eyes was a bright blue blur.  “I’ll be okay.”

“I know that.”

“I still have bad nights sometimes, but I can call you.”

“Always.”

“And if you have a bad night, you can call me.”

“Of course.”

“We’ll miss each other, and sometimes it will be impossible, but we’ll stay busy.  And we’ll be okay.”

“But what if—”

“Don’t,” Chris said, silencing Zach with a quick, sharp kiss.  “You know you can’t start that.”  He pulled at Zach and maneuvered them until their chests were pressed together, their legs tangled, then buried his face against Zach’s neck.  “You have a story to tell.  And when you’re finished, you’ll come back to me.”

“I will.”  Zach tried his hardest not to make it sound like a question, but he couldn’t see that far into the future – all he could see in his mind’s eye was Chris and the suitcase, but not together.  Like two separate shots in a movie, establishing their disconnection.

“We’ve already survived,” Chris whispered, pulling back to kiss the tip of Zach’s nose and look him in the eyes.  “Now we can just… live.”

  


  
_Fin_   


  



End file.
